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The Mind of a Goaltender

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Doop dee doo

Why the fuck is he lined up there? That's stupid. I hate these guys. Oh look, the puck went to where you should have been, what a surprise. Idiot.


Why do they call it ITT Technical Institute. What does the ITT stand for? Institute of Technology... something... but the Technical Institute is there too. It doesn't make se-

"Man on, man on! Hard around, hard around!"

nse. Strange. I hate those commercials. I went to real school, you don't see me bragging about it. I bet that dope in the red pants went to ITT Tech. Fuck that guy. Buy regular pants, asshole.


Since U been gone!

I can breathe for the first time!

I'm so movin' on, yeah yea-


Poke it



Goddammit, way to go, asshole. Now you look like a dipshit in front of everyone. ...Whatever, that wasn't my fault. Don's fault. Way to not cover the guy in front, dickhead. Now I look stupid and no one realizes it's because of you. I fucking hate you so mu-

"My bad, Rudy."

"All good, man, we'll get the next one."


Look at them, I know they're talking about that goal. I bet Don's telling 'em it was my fault. Fuck you Don, you're like 35. Go home and play with your kids or something.


Are they talking about me? This is bullshit. Why don't I get to talk to anybody. ...Why yes, Mr. Post, I have been quite bored la- OK that's enough of that. Oh shit, here we go. Hum duh dum dum this guy can't shoot and... alright, good save. Haha, why is that guy even out here, he's like 5'7". What a bitch. Ain't no way you're scoring on me, Peewee.



What should I have for dinner? Chicken. Fuck, I forgot to defrost some. I always forget that. I could defrost it in the microwave. No, then it looks brown and weird and I don't want to eat it. Pizza. I had pizza last night. Salad. Hahaha, no. Maybe I'll just go to Del Tac- oh goddammit, way to pass, no-pass. Fuck, 2-on-1.

Cover the pa- cover the pass!





What a fucking save! Holy Goddamn, Man am I great or what?!? OK be chill, man, stop smiling. Just flip it to the ref, no big deal, you do it all the time. But holy hell am I cool. Haha, look at that fucking guy. You thought you were going to score, Red Pants? Not in my house! Eat that save! Eat it, dickhead! FUCK YO-

"Nice save, Goal."

"Thanks, man. Got lucky."