As regular readers know, Brent Burns and I go way back. He's one of my oldest and dearest friends. My relationship with Owen Nolan, however, has been a bit more rocky. You would think we would have an easy time bonding over our shared love of masturbation puns and our shared hatred of ducks, but for some reason the two of us have just never really hit it off. Since he was my favorite hockey player when I was a child, this didn't sit right with me. I've been looking for a way to set things right.
As luck would have it, Owen Nolan is very good friends with Brent Burns. Owen even sends Brent funny Internet pictures just like your mom used to before you made her stop. With Brent's help, I was able to arrange a sit-down interview with the two players over the past weekend. Enjoy!
Megalodon: Brent, Owen, thank you so much for agreeing to do this interview.
Brent Burns: No problem - I love interviews!
Owen Nolan: Do not call me Owen. Call me Mr. Nolan.
M: Oh, uh, I'm...I'm sorry. Mr. Nolan. I, uh, I have a few questions prepared for you two, if that's okay?
ON: Do whatever you have to do.
BB: Yeah, ask away!
M: Okay, great. First I - umm - Mr. Nolan? Are you...are you bleeding?
ON: *Looks down at blood-covered clothing* This is not my blood.
M: Oh. Okay. Good.
ON: *Begins sharpening a giant knife*
M: My first question for the two of you: what is the happiest memory you have from your time with the Sharks?
BB: That's easy! The day I worked at the San Francisco Zoo! That was the greatest!
M: Haha, yeah, that looked like fun. What about you, Mr. Nolan?
ON: The time I tried to murder Grant Marshall.
M: Oh...really? Some would see that as kind of a dark moment. You were suspended 11 games, after all.
ON: The only part of that incident I regret is that I failed to kill him. Someday I'll find him and finish the job.
BB: Oh Owen, you're such a crazy guy!
M: Moving on...Brent, you're known as a big-time animal lover. You mentioned your work at the San Francisco Zoo, but you also have a bit of a zoo of your own at home. You even have a tattoo of your pets and the word "Wild" on your back. Mr. Nolan, on the other hand, seems to spend the majority of his free time fishing, hunting, or running over animals with his Jeep. How do you feel about that, Brent?
BB: It makes me sad, to be honest. We don't talk about it a lot, because we always get in fights over the issue. I remember one time I invited Owen over to my house, and showed him my pet snakes...and he just wouldn't stop talking about how he wanted to hunt them! I mean, why would you hunt snakes? Snakes have never hurt anybody!
M: Mr. Nolan, care to respond?
ON: The beating hearts of other creatures are like needles in my brain. Only once I have silenced them all will I have peace.
ON: There is time for one more question. The hunt beckons.
M: Sure thing. I'll finish up with this: what are your thoughts about your time playing for the Minnesota Wild? Brent, I know that you've said some pretty rough things about them in the past - "I hope they lose every game," for example. Do you still feel the same way?
BB: Haha yeah, I hate those guys.
Prediction: Owen Nolan is standing right behind you with a knife.