10 Myths about Canada

Hey Sharks fans, I hope you like Canadian teams! Starting tonight San Jose plays its next five games against teams that hail from north of the Maple Curtain. This includes three games against bad teams (the Flames twice and the Oilers once) one game against a good team (Canucks) and one game against a bad team that has been playing like a good team (Senators).

After the wild success of my previous educational article about Canada, I decided that now would be a good time to provide some more general information about "the smallest big country in the world," Canada. I did some research on the Canadian version of about.com (aboot.com, obviously) and have assembled the following list. I hope you have fun and maybe learn something!

Top 10 Myths about Canada

Myth #1: Toronto is the Capital of Canada

In reality, Canada doesn't have a capital in the traditional sense. The seat of Canadian political power is a hunting shack deep in the wilds of Alberta, where the Prime Minister lives alone and rules with absolute authority. Every six years Canadians hold one of their "elections" (really just elaborate nation-wide "chuck-a-puck" competitions) and the winner is given a pack of supplies and the secret GPS coordinates of the Prime Minister's Shack.

Once the new Prime Minister arrives, of course, he must kill the now-deranged previous Prime Minister in order to take power. This is why Canada was ruled by a bear for much of the 1960s.

Myth #2: Canada is Always Cold

Temperature is relative, and in a land so frigid that "frozen blood" is one of the most common causes of death the word "cold" is meaningless. The Canadian climate ranges from "Siberian" in the southern-most regions during the height of the two-week summer to "hyperborean" over most of the rest of the nation throughout the year.

Myth #3: Canadians Speak French

The reason so many people believe this myth is that Canada contains within its borders an independent nation of French-speaking people, known as "Quebec." What's the story behind this bizarre enclave of poutine-eaters? It actually has to do with what is known as "continental drift." Years ago, North America and Europe were connected as one giant continent. During this period, France and Quebec were a single, monumentally-snooty nation. During the late 1800s, however, the continents split apart, the Atlantic ocean poured in, and today Quebec and France are separate nations, linked by bonds of language and cowardice.

Myth #4: Canada is So Safe People Don't Lock their Doors

This myth is actually rooted in fact: most Canadian doors don't have locks, but that's just because locks are useless against the giant man-eating beavers that kill thousands every year.

Myth #5: Canadians are Hippie Liberals

Yes, all Canadians do speak in a slow and funny manner - but this isn't because they are high. That's just how they talk.

Myth #6:You Will See Moose, Beavers, and other Wildlife in Canada

This is totally wrong. The plural of "moose" is "meese."

Myth #7: Canada is the 51st State

Unfortunately for Canada, this is not the case. Canada applied for statehood in 1958, but was rejected for being "of a nature not in keeping with traditional American values of freedom, equality, and warmness." The following year Alaska was admitted to the union, and relations between Canada and the U.S. have been strained ever since.

Myth #8: Mounties in Red Uniforms Police the Country

This is just silly. Do people really believe that Canadians could take a guy dressed like this:

seriously as an authority figure? Mounties are actually more like state-sponsored clowns. If you are fortunate enough to encounter one while visiting Canada, make sure to greet them by throwing food and garbage. Trust me, they love it.

Myth #9: Canadians Don't Have Guns

Canadians have loads of guns. They just don't have any bullets.

Myth #10: All Canadians Say "Eh."

The Canadian habit of saying "Eh" is actually a nation-specific speech impediment similar to stuttering. All Canadians DO say it, but for the sake of politeness it's best not to draw attention to it. Canadians are notoriously easy to embarrass.

That's all for now, everybody. Please write to your representatives in Congress and ask them to support Battle of California with national education funding!

Prediction: Flames players are so overwhelmed by the majesty of California that they forget to show up for the game. Sharks win by default.

Bonus: Here's a clip from an awesome movie that doesn't get enough attention, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang. It's not about Canada at all.