San Jose Sharks Gameday: Peer Mediation

Still no real NHL games being played, and THE SITE hasn't worked for me for days (I keep getting weird 808 error messages when I try to access it) but there has actually been kind-of, sort-of news in the endless desert of broken glass and lemonade and pee and cockroaches that is the NHL lockout. Apparently the league and the union are meeting with federal mediators to get help resolving their disagreement.

This is great news you guys! I don't want to brag, but when I was in middle school I was a peer mediator, so I know a little bit about the mediation business. And, sure, if you were to look into my experience as a peer mediator more closely you would discover that after my training (which consisted of one class one day I think) I was never actually asked to mediate anything at all, but the REAL issue here is why are you so obsessed with what I was doing in middle school, you pervert?

So since I'm an expert, I decided to share a little bit about how mediation works with you fine folks. Here are some useful ground rules for the peer mediation process, courtesy of (read "stolen from") North Star Youth Court, which is, as far as I can tell, a thing.

I'll go through these rules and we'll see how well the owners and the union have been following these guidelines so far in the CBA negotiations.

Ground rules and steps of Peer Mediation:

Participants must be willing to:

• Solve the Problem

Well, uh, I THINK the people involved are willing to do this. Some of them, anyway.

Tell the Truth

Ah, hell. This is going to be harder than I thought.

Listen without interrupting

It's possible!

Be respectful

Dang.

Take responsibility for carrying out the agreement

How DARE you question the responsibility of the fine folks behind the NHL lockout?

Keep the situation confidential

Does Twitter count as confidential?

After a thorough review of the ground rules for mediation, I have determined that we might be royally boned, you guys.