I Used To Be Good Back When I Tried

Hey douche bags, check out these articles I wrote that are good, along with a fun fact added for each one. It's like pop-up video except they don't pop up and there's no video.

My first post! It's terrible.

Fun Fact: Derek Armstrong sucks.

I’ve always had an indifferent attitude towards Derek Armstrong. When a friend asks me about him, my first response is usually, "Who?" That’s followed by, "Oh, yeah, he’s alright, I guess." I’ve always been pleasantly surprised by Armstrong because I’ve never expected anything from him. He’s been the guy who plays until the Kings improve and find someone better. The new contract he signed with the Kings on Wednesday (for two years, 3 million dollars total), however, implies Derek Armstrong is a bonafide hockey player; that is not something I’m willing to accept.

Derek Armstrong’s path to the NHL was not an easy one. A 6th-round draft choice in 1992, Armstrong floundered around between the NHL and the minors until 2002, when he joined the Kings. Since then, he’s been a fairly solid contributor, averaging around 62 games played and 38 points the past three years. He’s set to blow by both numbers this year (he’s at 54 games and 39 points as of Friday) while anchoring the Kings’ top line alongside Mike Cammalleri and Alexander Frolov (although on that line Armstrong plays the role of "the other guy.").

That being said, why do I dislike Derek Armstrong now? First of all, he’s 33; I don’t think we signed him because of his upside. I have a hard time believing that money couldn’t have been used to sign someone with similar ability that’s younger. Secondly, I can’t really see where Derek Armstrong fits into GM Dean Lombardi’s grand scheme. Anze Kopitar has locked down one of the Kings’ top center positions for a couple of years to come (and a top spot in my heart) and Armstrong is not quite talented enough to play second-line center for a Stanley Cup-contending team. At the same time, he’s not a defensive center, and even if he was, the Kings already have Alyn McCauley tied up for next year. Perhaps his destiny is as a 4th-line center, but 1.5 million dollars a season is a little much for that position (though the Kings have shown they have no problem signing veterans and then have them play on the 4th-line, like Brian "Career-High 19 Goals" Willsie and Scott "The Wrong" Thornton). The problem with Derek Armstrong is that he does not really have a set position; if he played basketball Armstrong would be a ‘tweener, in baseball a swingman.

I wish that I could see both the Kings and Armstrong succeeding, but it’s more likely that he’ll join the long list of Kings players that I hate (right before Len Barrie). He seems like a good guy, what with the Mohawk and his penchant for practical jokes (sewing someone’s pockets together? Oh Derek, you card!). It’s also never a bad idea to have a back-up plan at a position like center, especially since it seems that Alyn McCauley’s knees are weaker than Joe Thornton’s hold on heterosexuality (zing!). Maybe I just don’t like this signing because it embraces mediocrity. With Armstrong, what you see is what you’re going to get. That’s the problem.

I’ll make a deal with Kings management: as long as this signing was done with the idea that Armstrong will play on the 4th-line, I’m perfectly happy with the signing. Nobody likes the idea of a front-office that’s disloyal to its players, and if the Kings want to reward a player who has only done what’s asked of him, great. If this signing is supposed to quell the voices of those who scream for another legitimate top-line center, then I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

Back in 2008, I was able to get BoC's first celebrity guest post. It was my first big break as a blogger writing guy and I was very excited. Ladies and ladies, I give you: Kent Huskins.

Fun Fact: Kent Huskins is still in the NHL. ...Wait, really? Huh.

Sup homies!

Huskins here. What's that? Don't know me? Oh don't worry, baby, you will. You see, Kent Huskins is a star. That's right, write that down and put it away. It'll be worth something in a few years. I'm the straw that stirs the drink for the Anaheim Super Ducks (that's a little name change I'm workin' on) and the preeminent mover and shaker on the blue line. I've been tied down my whole career, from the mean streets of Potsdam to the alleyways of Costa Mesa, but the reins are now off. Sean O'Donnell's gone and I feel for him, but it was inev... inevita... bound to happen. I needed to be free and he was in my way. Kent Huskins is like a locomotive: you're in the way and you're going to get traded to the Los Angeles Kings. With Sean gone, the road is wide open for Huskins Time.

What's that? Never heard of Huskins Time? Well, let's put it this way. When I get the puck behind the net, sometimes I hear a little voice whisper, "Go baby. Take it to the house. You got this, you're Kent Huskins, superstar." I can try to keep it under control, but once or twice a game I just have to be me. It's an itch I just have to scratch. I call it Huskins Time. I applied for a trademark, it should be coming any day now. You can hear me yell it when I streak down the ice if you're sitting close enough. It's not just hockey, I hear the voice everywhere I go. Some people don't like it, but I can't help it. Don't want me cutting in front of you in line at the market? "Sorry Ma'am, Huskins Time." Don't want me to go 120 on the 55? "But officer, it's Huskins Time." Don't want me to pop off so quickly, baby? "Sorry sweetheart... HUSKINS TIME!"

Some of the other defensemen can get frustrated when I dominate the other team. I think they're jealous. Chris Pronger is probably the most jealous of my subordinates but we're still friends. We have this running joke where I give him a wink after Huskins Time and he yells, "Stop going out of position, Asshole!" Some people call us Thunder & Lightning, mostly when I pay them to. Scott Niedermayer, on the other hand, loves me. I volunteered a few moves to him the other day at practice and he thanked me by saying, "Oh really? I had no idea." He's a good guy. The only person that ever had a problem with my skillz was Ilya Bryzgalov, who used to always scream, "Fuck you doing, nutsnumb???" whenever I flew up the ice. He just couldn't see the glory of me. Naturally, he had to be dismissed because Kent Huskins can't possibly do what he does with those negative vibes. I'm sensitive.

So all you fantasy players, hockey enthusiasts, and ladies (*wink), take note: Kent Huskins has arrived. If you see a blur on your screen and a red light come on soon after, congratulations: you've just experienced Huskins Time (TM). Kent Huskins is 215 pounds of star and I'm about to burst into your homes. You're welcome.

Stay Smoove,
Kent Huskins

Back in November of 2010, the Kings brought their dads on a road trip. Here's a look at a few conversations they probably had or didn't.

Fun Fact: You need to go to the dentist.

Tim Stoll (Jarret's Dad): So, Raitis, I'm sorry to hear your dad couldn't end up making it, but I thought he was going to.

Raitis Ivanans: Well, I guess he ran into a little problem at Customs and couldn't get into the country.

Tim Stoll: Really? What happened? Does he have a record or something?

Raitis Ivanans: My dad is actually a bear, so...

Tim Stoll: Oh.

***

Bob Scuderi (Rob's Dad): Hey, Matjaz, your son's really having a great start this year!

Matjaz Kopitar (Figure it Out): Yes, yes, my young apprentice has truly seen the power of the Dark Side.

Bob Scuderi: Yeah he rea- I'm sorry, did you say Dark Side?

Matjaz Kopitar: Yes, he thought I was mistaken but it turned out he was mistaken, about a great many things!

Bob Scuderi: Uh-huh. ...Boy, that's a pretty cool cell phone ya got there, is that one of those Droid things? I thought they weren't supposed to come out for a while?

Matjaz Kopitar: Oh, I'm afraid it is quite operational. Now witness the firepower of this fully ARMED and OPERATIONAL phone!

Bob Scuderi: Hey, that's pretty cool!

Matjaz Kopitar: I know, I can even update my Twitter! But now I'm sorry, my pathetic Rebel friend, that the time has come; now you will DIE! Hissssss!!!!

Bob Scuderi: ...Please don't point your fingers at me, Matjaz.

Matjaz Kopitar: Hissssssssss!!!!!!!

***

Terry Murray: So Alexander, where's your dad, I was kinda hoping to meet him.

Alexander Frolov: *Bursts into tears

Terry Murray: *Slowly backs away

***

Jim Greene (Matt's Dad): So, Cyril, right? What is it you do?

Cyril Simmonds (Wayne's Dad): Well actually, I was a bit of a hockey player myself.

Jim Greene: Really, you're both hockey players?

Wayne Simmonds: That's right, we're black and we're hockey players. Let's not make an issue of it.

Cyril Simmonds: No one's making an issue of it, son, you're making an issue of it.

***

Paul Doughty (Drew's Dad): So son, that redesign of SBNation sure does suck, huh?

Drew Doughty: You said it, Pop.

[2012 Ed. note- Holy shit.]

***

Jack Johnson, Sr.: Finish the rest of that steak, son.

Jack Johnson, Jr.: I don't wanna, Dad, I'm kinda full.

Jack Johnson, Sr.: Whaddaya mean, you're full? No son of mine is going to leave a plate with food on it! C'mon you limp-wristed pussy, eat that steak!

Jack Johnson, Jr.: But Dad, I'm fu-

Jack Johnson, Sr.: *smacks him I said eat it!

Jack Johnson, Jr.: *crying Alright, fine, I'll eat it!

Jack Johnson, Sr.: Atta boy. I don't know what they're teaching you down here, but men from Michigan always finish their plates.

Jack Johnson, Jr.: I hate you, Dad! I hate you! *runs away

***

Bryan Brown: So... how are things?

Dustin Brown: ...Good. Mom?

Bryan Brown: She's fine. Kids?

Dustin Brown: Cool.

Bryan Brown: ...Yep.

Dustin Brown: ...Yep.

*Both drink at the same time

This post was written back in January of 2010. James Mirtle, then a young go-getter from some podunk town called Toronto, had just been given his first beat following the Toronto Maple Leafs. I gave him some tips on questions to ask the Kings when they came in to town.

Fun Fact: James Mirtle and Earl Sleek talk on the phone every night.

To help James, I thought I'd give him some pointers on how to approach the Los Angeles Kings as the Kings descend into the hell that is the Toronto press. Hockey players undoubtedly get bored with answering thrilling questions like, "What happened in the third?" and, "Why did you win?" You have to know how to approach them to get the quote that will gain you fame and fortune... at least, until they go to another writer and discredit you because you were foolish enough to write down what they said and then publish it. Here we go:

Wayne Simmonds- Simmonds is a black man so you should try to speak his language. I recommend approaching him in the following manner: "Yo, pops, what's the skinny on you game, man? You just trying to get that paper or are you in it to win it, ya dig?" When he punches you in the face you should say, "Not cool, daddio."

Ryan Smyth- It doesn't matter what question you ask him first because no matter what he says I think a good follow-up question will be, "Are you retarded?"

Drew Doughty- The question I've always wanted to ask this talented defenseman is, "Can I touch it?" I think you should go for it and tell me how it feels.

Anze Kopitar- Kopitar is kind of skittish around reporters so you should bring some bread and jam, or maybe some mac 'n cheese, and approach him slowly with the food in the palm of your hand. If you appear friendly enough he may snatch the food from your hand and hungrily gulp it down. You then have a few seconds to ask him some questions until someone turns on a light; when Kopitar sees this, he'll hiss and run away.

(True story: I googled "how to befriend a raccoon" to get tips on how to best approach Kopitar and this was the first thing that came up. I don't know why but the title and the idea of someone actually writing that out and the first person's irate response made me laugh pretty hard.)

Peter Harrold- Haha, no one wants to talk to Peter Harrold.

Raitis Ivanans-1) Get on your knees.

2) Remove your shoes and put them on your hands and hold them up, high, so they are the first thing Ivanans sees.

3) Shuffle over to Ivanans with you head down and your shoes in the air. He will approach and sniff your shoes; for the love of God, do not move while he does this.

4) He is going to take your shoes, so make sure you have some extras. (That should've been Rule #1.) If he sits and begins chewing on them, you have a little while to ask questions. Try to make out what he says through all the munching. If he throws your shoes across the room... goodbye.

Jack Johnson- You should tell him, "Red Berenson is a pile of shit," and then stick a recorder in his face. I think that'll work out well for you.

Oscar Moller- Since you're like 6'4" you should talk disparagingly of Sweden and then hold him by the head while he tries to take a swing at you. He's so adorable when he's mad!

Dean Lombardi- Ask him how his day is going and then go grab a sandwich or catch a movie; you have some time before he stops talking.

If anyone asks me what I did between 2007 and 2012, I'm going to tell them that I wrote fanfiction about broadcasters buying fruit.

Fun fact: Ed Olczyk doesn't know how to pronounce his own last name.

Doc Emrick: Hello everybody and welcome to Newark, New Jersey, home to Stephen Crane, who as you all know was the author of the Red Badge of Courage. Today we will be purchasing some fruit and I'm joined here by Ed Olczyk. What are the keys to buying fruit today, Eddie?

Ed Olczyk: Well Doc, it's gonna be real important for us to make sure we're checking for bumps & bruises and that we're making sure we pay before we leave.

Doc: Sage advice as always, Edward. First up we have the pear, which comes from the germanic word pera but I don't think we need to hold that against them. This pear right here i-

Pierre McGuire: One of the most underrated fruits in this fruit stand has to be the pear, right Edzo?

Olczyk: ...Yeah, I'd have to agree with that, Pierre.

Doc: That was the voice of Pierre McGuire, who is joining us between the stands. Now let's take a look at this pear.

Olczyk: For all you kids at home, the thing you're going to want to look for is size, color... oh and look right here, this pear is extremely discolored. Clearly this pear is third-pairing at best, an-

McGuire: That pear has to know that it's the wrong color! Really put itself into a bad spot in the front there, eh Edzo?

Olczyk: (*sigh) ...I'd say you're right, Pierre.

Doc: Well I can't argue with you two there. And wha'ts this over here? It's a liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiime!

Olczyk: And what a lime it is, Doc! Check out the color, the size; small for now, bu-

McGuire: THIS YOUNG LIME IS GROWING IN FRONT OF OUR EYES! I witnessed this lime on the farm down in Durango, Mexico and I knew this kid was going to grow up to be a MONSTER. Look at the way he-

Olcyzk: -Watch where you're going Pierre, you're going to-

Doc: -Pierre has knocked over a watermelon cart! One watermelon falls, and another, and GREAT SAVE BY OLCZYK!!!! Oh my goodness, what is going on???

Olczyk: Well I saw it falling an-

McGuire: You can see wha-

*pause

Olzcyk: I-

McGuire: A-

*5 seconds of silence

...Wait, these aren't funny. Who reads this shit? Have I always sucked? Why didn't any of you assholes tell me! Fuck!