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So You Just Bought an NHL Team

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Phil is leaving, so who will own the Kings? Fortunately, there is an operations manual for whoever takes over next.

Pet the kitty
Pet the kitty
Jayne Kamin-Oncea-US PRESSWIRE

Congratulations new buyer and thank you for purchasing the Los Angeles Kings hockey franchise! Along with a hockey team stocked full mostly of Canadians, you also get an arena, lion mascot, and much, much more! Your relatively new hockey franchise also has been renovated recently to include a new design and color that you will be sure to love. If you are unhappy with it, please feel free to arbitrarily change it as many times as you want (consult page 13).

*NEW & IMPROVED FOR 2012! Your very own Stanley Cup! (Cup not included)

There are certainly strengths and weaknesses to your product, but we are sure you will be able to enjoy your franchise regardless. Plus, that’s just part of the fun of owning your very own NHL™ team! Your new Kings franchise has been finely tuned by our most available experts, Dean Lombardi and Darryl Sutter. Dean is a renowned planner though you may question his decisions and worry about his sanity, but his charts (page 28) are sure to placate any concerns you may have. Darryl, on the other hand, started a humble farmer and has since become a local favorite. His wily comments will be sure to leave you in stitches!


Your team isn’t just a bunch of wires and lifeless plastic. They're more like sea monkeys. Yes, they are living creatures sort of like you! You will need to nurture and care for your team and organization as if they were real people. These moving parts of your team take a lot of wear and tear over time and require a lot of maintenance. The easiest way to keep these moving parts working is to give them money. You can also get different pieces if you are unhappy/bored/being a frugal piece of shit. There are pieces to purchase, new pieces released every year in our Draft Kit ™, or you can even trade pieces with friends that also have their own NHL™ franchise! The point is they will all require money. You may ask why, or say they are taking too much, but you will need to give them money at some point as much as you try not to, otherwise your hockey team will start to fall apart. Don’t worry though; your team will be able to give you money back! Friends who like your team can supply you with money, usually a lot! Feel free to use that money to invest in your team! Why wouldn’t you? Are you fucking stupid or something?

Be careful though. Some pieces will cost a lot, but may in fact not work too well (i.e. the Yashin model).


I bet you can’t wait to start showing off your new NHL™ team to all your friends! That is why you got one of your own most likely; to be the cool kid that could afford get his or her hands on their own team. We understand! The main point for showing your friends is of course to show off how good your team is! Just actually make sure again to have given your pieces some money. Use bunches of combinations with new and different pieces and you will never get the same results twice! Your friends will love to watch your team, even if they aren’t finely tuned yet (the team, not your friends) and nothing is greater than seeing your friends excited when your team is the best! Just be sure to be nice to your friends. They are giving you their own money that they have a much smaller amount of then you do, and are giving it to you because they like your team. You wouldn’t want to be an insensitive asshole who exploits his friends and keeps their money, right?


As mentioned, one the biggest tasks required of you for your team is to supply money. But when is giving money giving too much money? Typically this is pretty obvious for most anyone and you shouldn’t have any issues identifying when. You got all the money to buy a team because you were smart with getting it, right? Only when the money you are giving to your team vastly out paces the money you have coming in is there an issue. Don’t worry though; more affordable pieces in our Draft Kit™ will help you make sure your team doesn’t require too much money. Your Los Angeles Kings team is pretty well balanced with their need for money so this shouldn’t be a problem unless seriously you are really fucking dumb as shit about this. I mean, c’mon, just realize certain pieces will need to be exchanged so that you aren’t giving them an insane amount of money. I thought you were a businessman? Why the hell do I have to explain this? Christ…


Even though at this point in time most of the NHL™ teams sold are quality assured operations, some of the newer products can have serious problems. This can even apply to your team, even if they aren’t new. Some pieces may require more money than is feasible, but this should have been resolved in our 2005 re-launch program. But hey, if you want to get together with your other rich friends that have NHL™ teams and complain about how they work, fine. There is no reason whatsoever to throw out all your pieces and deny your friends your team. It costs money? Yeah, no shit. What, were you just not reading anything in the manual? Do you want all the money given to you from your friends that like your team to just go to you so you can have even more money? No, they give you their money for your TEAM. They understand that you require money to keep your team running, but seriously, we just fixed this shit and you should in no way shape or form be required to lock your team away from everyone. You greedy asshole, you did, didn’t you? For fuck’s sake, c’mon man. Sure, there is a disparity between the newer and older products, but when you first got your money to even purchase a team, didn’t you know you had to spend money to make money? Or to tighten your budget and get innovative to match stronger, more established competitors? Nashville had done okay until they got emotional about that Weber guy. Oh, and have fun with your friends that gave you money now. I’m sure they will love you. Yeah, don’t worry about it. They always cared more about you than your team. Sure.

You know what? Maybe you’re not ready for a team. We were even including a tutor with Tim Leiweke. He’s a little nuts, but he’s been around the product before. But nope. You don’t get anything now. Run on back home. Go buy the Raiders or something. I hear they could use a new greedy shithead.