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Kings Gameday: The Greatest Accomplishment Of My Life

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Next Game

Los Angeles Kings
@ Tampa Bay Lightning

Tuesday, Feb 7, 2012, 4:30 PM PST
Tampa Bay Times Forum

Complete Coverage >

Man oh man, this is pretty awesome. Hockey-Reference (which is fantastic) allows you to sponsor player pages, right? Well, I pinched a few pennies here and there and I was able to purchase a page. Not just any page, mind you; I purchased the page of the greatest, smartest, most pirate-y player of all time. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you...



Yep, now this very website will stand alongside Kelly Hrudey for the rest of time until October 11th of this year, as a testament to his greatness and forti... wait, what the fuck? WHAT THE FUCK???


Dwayne Roloson? Better than Kelly Hrudey??? You gotta be Goddamn shitting me. That prehistoric fuck is the worst. Fuck it, new post:

Dwayne Roloson: History's Greatest Villain

-Slavery was Dwayne Roloson's idea.

-Dwayne Roloson shot James Garfield AND gave Jim Davis the idea of starting up Garfield.

-"Hey guys check out this awesome new pet mouse I just got!" -Dwayne Roloson, 1347

-He believes the moon is a hoax. Not the moon landing- the moon.

-He invented the atomic bomb, the first gun, and the pointy stick.

-Roloson was a part of the naming committee for the Trail of Tears, but his entry, "The trail of whiny babies who need to get over it," was shot down.

-Dwayne Roloson canceled Deadwood. It happened when he accidentally burned it down in 1899.

-Roloson gave Hammurabi the idea of "Eye for an eye," not because he believes in fairness but because he just really likes gougings.

-He always throws his mask off whenever he gets touched. (That's not a joke, he actually does that)

-"Hey guys I think she's in the attic." -Dwayne Roloson, 1944

-You know who killed the dinosaurs? A meteor, most likely. But Roloson was a real dick to them while they were around.

-They actually found El Dorado but Dwayne Roloson lost the map.

-"Hey guys you know who we should pardon? Barabbas." -Dwayne Roloson, 32 AD

-The Great Chicago Fire? Caused when Dwayne Roloson tried to fuck a cow. I think I read that once.

-Great Fire of Rome, Constantinople Fire of 1204, London Fire of 1666? All cow fuckings.

-Dwayne Roloson was a member of the National Assembly but got ousted because he wouldn't stop saying that they should abandon the guillotine in favor of just gouging out their eyes.

-"Hey guys you should start up a blog just for California hockey teams, that'll make you tons of money." -Dwayne Roloson, 2005

Prediction: Kings win, 5-1. After the game, the following conversation happens:

Roloson: You really didn't show up tonight, Vinny, you asshole.

Lecavalier: Asshole? I'm not the one who just got butt-fucked on national television, Dwayne!

St. Louis:


(Thanks, Meg.)