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Kings Gameday: The Greatest Accomplishment Of My Life

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Next Game

Los Angeles Kings
@ Tampa Bay Lightning

Tuesday, Feb 7, 2012, 4:30 PM PST
Tampa Bay Times Forum

Complete Coverage >



Man oh man, this is pretty awesome. Hockey-Reference (which is fantastic) allows you to sponsor player pages, right? Well, I pinched a few pennies here and there and I was able to purchase a page. Not just any page, mind you; I purchased the page of the greatest, smartest, most pirate-y player of all time. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you...

KELLY HRUDEY'S PLAYER PAGE!!!!

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Yep, now this very website will stand alongside Kelly Hrudey for the rest of time until October 11th of this year, as a testament to his greatness and forti... wait, what the fuck? WHAT THE FUCK???

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Dwayne Roloson? Better than Kelly Hrudey??? You gotta be Goddamn shitting me. That prehistoric fuck is the worst. Fuck it, new post:

Dwayne Roloson: History's Greatest Villain

-Slavery was Dwayne Roloson's idea.

-Dwayne Roloson shot James Garfield AND gave Jim Davis the idea of starting up Garfield.

-"Hey guys check out this awesome new pet mouse I just got!" -Dwayne Roloson, 1347

-He believes the moon is a hoax. Not the moon landing- the moon.

-He invented the atomic bomb, the first gun, and the pointy stick.

-Roloson was a part of the naming committee for the Trail of Tears, but his entry, "The trail of whiny babies who need to get over it," was shot down.

-Dwayne Roloson canceled Deadwood. It happened when he accidentally burned it down in 1899.

-Roloson gave Hammurabi the idea of "Eye for an eye," not because he believes in fairness but because he just really likes gougings.

-He always throws his mask off whenever he gets touched. (That's not a joke, he actually does that)

-"Hey guys I think she's in the attic." -Dwayne Roloson, 1944

-You know who killed the dinosaurs? A meteor, most likely. But Roloson was a real dick to them while they were around.

-They actually found El Dorado but Dwayne Roloson lost the map.

-"Hey guys you know who we should pardon? Barabbas." -Dwayne Roloson, 32 AD

-The Great Chicago Fire? Caused when Dwayne Roloson tried to fuck a cow. I think I read that once.

-Great Fire of Rome, Constantinople Fire of 1204, London Fire of 1666? All cow fuckings.

-Dwayne Roloson was a member of the National Assembly but got ousted because he wouldn't stop saying that they should abandon the guillotine in favor of just gouging out their eyes.

-"Hey guys you should start up a blog just for California hockey teams, that'll make you tons of money." -Dwayne Roloson, 2005

Prediction: Kings win, 5-1. After the game, the following conversation happens:

Roloson: You really didn't show up tonight, Vinny, you asshole.

Lecavalier: Asshole? I'm not the one who just got butt-fucked on national television, Dwayne!

St. Louis:

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(Thanks, Meg.)