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Sharks Gameday: We Need to Talk about Texas

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San Jose Sharks
@ Dallas Stars

Thursday, Mar 8, 2012, 5:30 PM PST
American Airlines Center

Complete Coverage >

(Warning: this post contains quite a bit of strong language, even by Battle of California standards).

So in this bizarre and horrible universe in which we find ourselves, the Dallas Stars have taken over the Pacific Division lead.

I know, I'm scared too.

The Sharks face the Stars three times in this final month of the season, so the Stars are going to play a large role in determining if the Sharks can make the playoffs or (hopefully) take back the Pacific Division crown and the third-place-in-the-West position that comes with it.

The Sharks and Stars are already rivals, and these three critical games down the stretch are likely to inflame passions on both sides. It would be easy to hate the Stars, to indulge in anger and hostility in a desperate bloodthirsty desire to see them crushed and destroyed, and to see the Sharks climb back up the standings by stepping on the broken corpse of the Dallas Stars.

But being mean is bad, right? Cruelty only leads to more cruelty, and in the end we're all just hockey fans rooting for our teams. Optimism and kindness are key. Positivity is what we need.

After the jump, I'll try to muster some positivity regarding the Dallas Stars and the state of Texas.

I'm sorry, did I say positivity? I meant negativity. My bad.

30 things about the Dallas Stars and/or Texas in general which can go fuck themselves

-Fuck Brett Hull for having his foot in the god damn crease and ruining an entire NHL season.

-Fuck Steve Ott, obviously.

-Fuck actor Alan Tudyk, for looking like Steve Ott and reminding me of Steve Ott whenever I see him. Seriously, I couldn't enjoy 3:10 to Yuma at all because of this bullshit (or maybe because that movie kind of sucks, I'm not sure which).

-Fuck Mike Modano, that whiny chipmunk-looking motherfucker.

-Fuck Austin, Texas, for being the place everyone brings up to defend the state of Texas. If you guys really are cool then you need to pack your shit and move because right now you're just the nicest guy in the KKK, and I'm not fucking impressed.

-Fuck the Republic of Texas for joining the U.S. as a slave state in 1845.

-Fuck people who say "Everything's bigger in Texas!" when the state is only the SECOND-biggest. Quit bragging about your silver medal at the Nobody Cares Olympics, you dumbasses.

-Fuck everyone who thinks Texas has some sort of special right to secede from the union or that it was the only state to be its own independent entity before becoming a state. You aren't special, you dickheads. Learn history.

-Fuck the conservative population of Texas for electing George W. Bush governor and then president. Everything that is screwed up in America right now is your fucking fault, you assholes. Thanks a lot for the Iraq War, that shit is awesome.

-Fuck the liberal population of Texas (43% voted Democrat in 2008) for not doing more to make up for all the idiots who give your state its bad reputation.

-Fuck the guy in charge of security when JFK visited Dallas. Good work, ace.

-Fuck the NHL for not letting Norm Green move the North Stars to Anaheim, which would have killed the Ducks before they were ever born.

-Fuck Mike Ribeiro on general principles.

-Fuck Stars forward Ryan Garbutt right in his stupid gar butt.

-Fuck Stars forward Vernon Fiddler for fiddling all the time. Fiddling sucks.

-Fuck Stars backup goalie Richard Bachman for writing the book Thinner, which is scary as shit.

-Fuck the unincorporated community of Guy, Texas, which apparently exists. What the hell is wrong with you, Guy? Why aren't you incorporated? And why don't you get a real name?

-Fuck greasy thug Derian Hatcher, captain of the 1999 Not Stanley Cup Winning Dallas Stars.

-Fuck the Texas motto, "Friendship." You guys know you are allowed to use more than one word for your motto, right? And that ideally it would reflect something about your state specifically, rather than just being a generic positive word? Okay, just checking.

-Fuck that new show GCB that they have ads for everywhere. That shit looks awful and retarded. And I'm not even sure it's set in Texas but if you think I'm going to waste my time looking it up then fuck you too, buddy.

-Fuck you too, buddy.

-Fuck this sentence from the Stars' Wikipedia page:

A song called "The Darkness Music" use to be played after nearly every away goal.[28]

for having a proper citation but improper grammar.

-Fuck the state cooking implement, the "dutch oven," for being gross.

-Fuck the state fruit, the Texas grapefruit, because grapefruit is also gross.

-Fuck the bullshit justification of Brett Hull's non-goal that is included in the Stars' Wikipedia page. That exact play wouldn't have been a legal goal all fucking season long, don't try to re-write history and ignore what a massive fuck-up this was.

-Fuck the Texas Wikipedia page for mentioning the "breakfast burrito" as an example of "Texas culture."

-Fuck Art Middleton, former writer for Defending Big D, who wrote this article in July 2010 and who apparently thinks it's okay to end a sentence with a preposition. Well it's fucking NOT okay. Seriously where did you go to school at?

-Fuck big stupid cowboy hats.

-Fuck the Alamo, which is just another embarrassing example of Americans preferring the simplicity of myth over the complexity of true history.

-Fuck drunken wife-beater Ed Belfour.

-Finally, and I mean this with all due respect: FUCK YOU, TEXAS.

No offense, though.

Prediction: Fuck the Stars.