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Shane Doan Visits The Pearly Gates

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Only the penitent man will pass. (Photo by Jeff Gross/Getty Images)
Only the penitent man will pass. (Photo by Jeff Gross/Getty Images)
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Los Angeles Kings
@ Phoenix Coyotes

Tuesday, May 15, 2012, 6:00 PM PDT Arena

Complete Coverage >

Shane Doan: Wait, what happened? Where am I?

St. Peter: Oh hi Shane. We've been expecting you. Shane, this is Heaven.

Shane: Oh wow, I'm humbled in your presence. I'm glad my life of piety and good deeds has put me in your presence.

St. Peter: No problem, Shane, you've earned it. Now let me just check your... oh my, uh... I'm sorry, Shane, but it looks like you're not getting in.

Shane: What?!? Seriously? I'm Shane Doan! I've always been a good, honest person. There must be some kind of mistake.

St. Peter: Umm, let me get me my manager. He may be able to help you.


God: Hi Shane, how can I help you?

Shane: Lord, why am I not worthy of Heaven? Have I not always done what you asked? I prayed, I gave to charity, I hated French people, everything you wanted. What more did I have to do?

God: Well look Shane, we appreciated all your efforts, especially the whole hating French people thing, but there was a problem with your record on the ice.

Shane: On the ice? I don't understand, I'm a captain. Everyone loves me.

God: Well you see, the thing is that you can't hide your true self on the rink. You can lie to people at home, in the locker room, even in church, but not on the ice. I'm sorry, Shane, but your actions on the ice have proven you to be... well, you're kind of a little bitch.

Shane: Damn, God, that's harsh.

God: Hey, sorry. But it's true. You can stand up for your teammates but at a certain point elbowing people and jumping into their heads just makes you a dick.

Shane: And the fact that I'm a bitch means...

God: Yeah I don't hang out with bitches. Didn't my son tell you guys, "it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a bitch to enter the kingdom of God?"

Shane: That's not how we heard it.

God: That idiot got so much wrong, I swear.

Shane: Well gee, God, is there anything I can do? I'm truly sorry for my actions. Please, God, give me another chance.

God: Hmm... well, I don't normally do this but maybe there's another way...

Shane: Please, anything!

God: Alright, I'll tell you what: I'll give you another chance. I will send you back and you'll get a chance to redeem yourself on the Phoenix Coyotes. Give another 20 years of good, honest, clean play, and when you're done I'll let you into Heaven.

Shane: ...So my options are to play another 20 years in Phoenix or spend eternity in the fires of Hell?

God: Yep. So Shane, what's it goi-

Shane: -I'm thinking.


Prediction: Kings win, 2-0. Both goals by Dwight. All hail the King of Kings.