Kings Gameday: Kings 101

Greetings, bandwagoners! Rudy Kelly here, humble Kings fan and hockey enthusiast. The Los Angeles Kings have been on an incredible run and obviously you have taken note! Congratulations and welcome to the world of hockey! It's fast-paced, exciting, and oh so fun!

Unfortunately, it can also be a little confusing. This is especially the case if you're a new fan. There are a few excellent primers that can inform you about the Kings and the sport of hockey, but why watch them when you can get information from me? As a 20+ year veteran hockey watcher and player, I think I can shed some light on the players that combine to form the Los Angeles Kings. Read on and be sure to take notes!

Anze Kopodor- Anze Kopodor is the Kings' top middle iceman and best player. He is quite wonderful and incredibly sweet. He leads the team, or "pod," in goals, assists, and secret assists. He's referred to as "King Kopodor" because he is the king-elect of Slovakia. He also wears an "A," which defines his role as Assistant Librarian. As you can see, he wears many hats.

Brad Doty- Man, what can you say about Brad Doty? Doty is the Kings' #1 de-fencer because of the magical way he's able to cut down the fences around the opposing team's goaltender. His ability to bounce the ball through solid wood is second to none. He's quite good, even earning the title of "Grand Dragon!"

Ignacio Quick- The Kings' goal & beetender, Ignacio is one of the keys to victory for the Kingsman. You may be wondering why Quick carries such a large stick; this is in order to paddle in case the other team melts the ice around his net.

Matt Green- Another de-fencer. You may be wondering why Green wears an A on his jersey. This is because Green has the role of "Asshole" on the Kings, meaning he's allowed to get away with penalties. He's also the Kings' entrant when the Kings choose to gain a Clue Power Play.

Rod Scoodairy- As the libero on the Kings, Scoodairy is only allowed to make defensive plays.

Jared Stole- Stole has a very important role on the team; as an excellent skater, Stole is capable of making deep cuts in the ice; so deep that he cut a hole in the ice and send his opponent down to the Forbidden Zone.

Tim King- King is the Namesake, the one player on each team that must have the same last name as the team for which he plays. King is one of the better players with this title, certainly better than Steve Shark and Darryl Duck.

Bard Richardson- He is the Kings' fourth and final foreword on the team. He is also the Kings' Shakespearean player. His soliloquoy against the foul house of Phoenix awarded the Kings 3 field goals!

William Mitchum IV- As wicket-keeper, Mitchum stands behind the wicket to try to dismiss the batsman. He can also create sound by rubbing his legs together.

Trey Lew, Jayden Norman, Damon Pendragon, Carrie Fisher- Each of these players is in charge of a specific element (Water, Fire, Earth & Heart, respectively). When they combine their powers, they can summon the team Captain for a certain period of time or until he gets covered in sludge.

Leftenant D'Angelo Braun- Braun is a very important role player on the Kings, as he is in charge of jumping into the melted ice to find the Glimmering Key. Braun is one of the better players in the league at this; believe me, he is a fantastic diver.

Gary Suter- As the Kings' Grand Vizier, Suter is the Kings' head coach and spirit guide. He is joined by his assistants, arm coach Jaime Coupon and leg coach John Esteban, who is a barnyard owl.

There yout have it, folks! Now you're ready to cheer for our Kingsmen in the great sport of hockey! I hope you enjoy today's joust! Hopefully the Kings can win today's athletical contest and move on in their quest for Lord Stanley's Cup Which Is Not A Cup But Really More Of A Codpiece!