Is New Jersey Better Than Los Angeles?

I was going to help you New Jersey people. Really. I was. I was planning to write a post helping clueless New Jersey fans successfully trash-talk Los Angeles. I'm well-qualified for that, as a Sharks fan living in Southern California. I have a particular set of skills that could be put to good use in this situation. That was the plan.

Then, after some Googling, I found this post, featuring reasons from New Jersey fans that New Jersey is "#BetterThanLA."

"Oh good," I thought, "Maybe these people don't need my help. Maybe they can handle trash-talking on their own."

Then I read the reasons. Now I know the awful truth.

You New Jersey people don't deserve my help.

What? Put aside Katy Perry and just leave Snoop Dogg. He's a THOUSAND times better than Springsteen and Bon Jovi. Are you serious with this? You stupid white people.

Whatever, fatty. Just because you love to pack your mouth with meat doesn't mean you're a reliable food critic.

I was confused by this because I'm not a football fan, but I asked around and apparently both the New York Giants and the New York Jets actually play in New Jersey? That's weird. Why don't either of them call themselves "New Jersey" then? Could it be because New Jersey....sucks?

Seriously though I'm sure both teams would love to have a stadium in New York but there's no room because of all the interesting stuff in New York. New Jersey doesn't have the same problem.

Lots of Portuguese people live in New Jersey? MINUS.

"My terminal testicle cancer is not as bad as your terminal testicle cancer" is not a valid argument.

Okay, this is a valid point. Los Angeles does have bad air. It also has a lot of traffic. You know why? Because a lot of people live here and drive around. Because it's the greatest place in the world.

Dude what the hell. Do people in New Jersey REALLY like Springsteen this much? I thought that was a joke. Maybe he is better than the Eagles, but the Eagles are horrible.

This is ridiculous. Living on the West Coast is clearly superior for watching hockey. During the opening rounds of the playoffs eastern games start at 4 or 4:30, so they're on TV as soon as you get off work or school, and then right after that you watch the western game, which starts at 7:00 or 7:30 and ends around 10 PM. That's PERFECT. Solid hockey on TV during prime TV-watching hours. How in the world is the East Coast version better? If a late game goes to overtime you people have to choose between staying up all night or missing the end.

You poor deluded fools.

"Oh hooray, Winter in New Jersey! It's so wonderful!"

Dumb. So dumb.

"I couldn't live in California, I love seasons too much."

"Me too, that why I live in a place that skips the shitty ones." -Daniel Tosh

Springsteen AGAIN? What gives? Why do New Jersey people love him so much? Is he Portuguese or something?

NO NO NO NO. I can't believe what I'm reading here.

Obviously the relevant discussion has to do with sunrise vs. sunset on the beach, because both cities actually do get to enjoy both sunsets and sunrises. So let's focus on the beach issue.

If you want to watch a beach sunset in California, you head to the beach in the afternoon, play on the nice sand in the warm sun, relax and enjoy yourself, and then watch the beautiful, awe-inspiring sunset. It's perfect.

To watch a sunrise on a beach in New Jersey? You have to wake up BEFORE SUNRISE, when the beach is going to be cold as balls and it's dark and horrible. Then you stumble your way over the sand and the broken bottles and the used condoms and get to where you can watch the sun come up...and then what? It's barely morning, it's still way too cold to go in the water. I guess you just go back home. Back to your shitty lives.

Oh fuck you, and fuck Bruce Springsteen.