Hello everyone, thank you for coming to this short press conference. I will not be taking questions, I just wanted to make a short statement.
As you know, this Kings team went on an incredible run in the playoffs. 16-4 in the playoffs, beating the best the Western & Eastern Conferences had to offer? It's truly amazing. As the architect of this team, I must admit that even I didn't see this coming. After the struggles the boys went through in the regular season, I wasn't sure if they had it in them. But I knew the potential was there.
Over the years, some fans have perhaps doubted the way I run things. I've been criticized for being too emotional, for maybe saying things I shouldn't have said. I've been criticized for my net-out philosophy, for my non-traditional background, for not giving in to Drew Doughty earlier in the year, and for making a few questionable picks in the draft. Some fans have even called for me to be fired, which is fine. I'm the GM and I'll tell ya, the buck stops here. Some of the criticisms may have been unfair, some may have been unfounded, more than a few of them were batshit insane...
But hey, let's let bygones be bygones. It's not in me to gloat about my successes, much like it's not in me to pass blame about my failures. The important thing is that the Kings have won the Stanley Cup and it's due to all of us: me, the players, the fans. I invite all those fans, writers, pundits and even fellow GMs who have criticized me in the past to hop on the bandwagon and enjoy the ride.
Before you do that, though, I'm going to need you to suck my balls.
Don't worry, it's not a sexual thing. I won't get any physical enjoyment out of it or anything. I just think we need some sort of public ceremony to point out that I'm way, way smarter than each and every one of you. Hiring Sutter? Me. Trading for Carter? Me. Trading for Richards? Me. Me me me. We all had a hand in this, but c'mon, my hand is a lot bigger than yours. Almost as big as the balls you're about to put in your mouth.
Hey, I don't think it's too much to ask. I gave you an amazing hockey team; the least you can do is put my balls in your mouth. Just for 10 seconds. Just long enough for you to think about how great a hockey mind I am.
So c'mon, everyone line up. Helene, you're up front. Tambellini, you're next. Be warned that I just finished working out, so.. they're gonna be a little salty. Enjoy!
No wait, Rudy, what're you doing? Get away from there! You never criticiz... OH. Oh yes. Oh that's nice.