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Stanley Cup Final, Game 2: Jersey Sucks

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This is the 3rd stupidest man in Jersey. You don't want to see the first 2. (Photo by Bruce Bennett/Getty Images)
This is the 3rd stupidest man in Jersey. You don't want to see the first 2. (Photo by Bruce Bennett/Getty Images)
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Next Game

Los Angeles Kings
@ New Jersey Devils

Saturday, Jun 2, 2012, 5:00 PM PDT
Prudential Center

Complete Coverage >

I've been having some trouble mustering up hate for Jersey because I, like every other sane person on this planet, couldn't give less of a fuck about them if I tried. It wasn't until Meg opened my eyes to the brutal assault on Los Angeles by some Jersans (?) that I took to Wikipedia to come out with some insults of my own. Fuck you, Jersey!

-Jersey only has 95,000 people within its boundaries. Pathetic!

-Jersey is a... bailiwick? I have no idea what that means but it sounds stupid!

-Jersey is an "independent nation" but it is subservient to the crown of England and relies on them for protection. Can't fight your own battles, eh Jersey?

-Jersey is located in the English Channel. More like Change the Channel, am I right? (I am not right.)

-Jersey's government has 51 elected officials who sit around in stupid white wigs and 5 crown-appointed officials who do everything.

-From Wikipedia:

The question of Jersey's independence has been discussed from time to time in the Assembly of the States of Jersey. In 2005-2008, a working group of the States of Jersey examined the options for independence, concluding that Jersey 'is equipped to face the challenges of independence' but making no recommendations. Proposals for Jersey independence continue to be discussed outside the States.[

"Yeah, we could totally become independent whenever we want." "So, we should be independent?" "Uh, not quite yet."


-Does it look like a stubby animal opening its gaping maw to anyone else? And it has a tiny dick?

-Jersey has Jersey currency that is not considered legal tender outside Jersey. God that's so sad.

-The most famous person from Jersey is Henry Cavill, who is going to be Superman in the upcoming film. I don't have a joke here, that guy is cool and really pretty.

-Jersey is a tax shelter for wealthy British & French people. A bank account there comes free with your first monocle.

-Despite all this, Jersey somehow manages to be the 2nd shittiest place with "Jersey" in its name.

Prediction: Kings win, 4-2. Jersey curses their crown-appointed representatives but can't do anything about it because, well, they're Jersey.