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(Fake) Dan Ellis Wants a Job

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Give me a job or I'll release the hounds.
Give me a job or I'll release the hounds.

As reported by Puck Daddy, current free-agent and avid hot air balloon enthusiast Dan Ellis sent an e-mail to a reporter for The Province, which I guess is sort of like a newspaper only it's Canadian. In the e-mail Dan detailed all the reasons why he would be a great fit for the backup goalie role in Vancouver this coming season.

Detailed excerpts from the e-mail and coverage of the story in The Province can be found here, if that's what you're interested in.

I thought this whole e-mail thing was pretty weird, so I reached out to my good friend Fake Dan Ellis to see if I could get more information on the story. Apparently The Province didn't publish the entire message that Fake Dan sent, so in the interest of getting The Truth out there, I will publish the entire message, unedited, here:

Dear Ben Kuzma,

Hey, how's it going?

Anyways, the reason I'm writing is that I want a job, and somebody told me you might be able to hook me up. I would be a good fit to back up Cory Schneider in Vancouver this season. Please pass along this information, okay? I tried to send it to the Canucks directly but most GMs block my e-mail address now, since I'm constantly sending them messages making fun of how poor they are.

What babies, huh?

Poor, stupid, poor babies.

I would love to back up Cory if the spot becomes available. Helping young goalies get to their full potential is fun to be a part of. Sometimes just lightening their load makes all the difference in the world. For example, I always offer to carry their wallets when we are traveling, to help lighten their load.

Well, I mean, I don't actually carry their wallets. Jeeves does that. But still, I'm nice.

Seriously, I'm the best.

I’m still looking and there are some options in Europe, but I think I’ve got more than enough to give in the NHL. Sure, I COULD buy Notre Dame and live in it, but have you ever been there? That place reeks of hunchbacks. No thanks.

That [Buying Notre Dame and living in it] is not an avenue I want to look into just yet. I’ve been in the NHL for five years and every year it seems like I’ve been in a 1A and 1B situation. Like in Anaheim when it was me and Emery and Hiller, or in Tampa when it was me and Roloson and Mike Smith. See what I mean? Constant 1A/1B situations.

I’ve been able to push my partner but also help make him better. Like that time I pushed Dwayne Roloson in front of that bus, but then later I helped him work on his blocker skills.

Good times.

And I understand my role. I knew Hiller was the guy. Rather than trying to steal the net, you try to provide minutes but help your partner be the best he can be. It’s a different dynamic, but when the role is clarified, it’s a lot easier. Besides - why would I try to steal the net? I could easily just buy a new one. Who wants a dirty, used net anyways?

The 1A and 1B can change and there’s a different mindset and every single game you don’t know what’s going to happen. Knowing Pekka and Jonas [were starters] you’re able to adapt to that and manage your game. For example, I always made sure to have plenty of books to read on my Kindle, so I wouldn't be bored on the bench. Oh and also I filled my water bottle with sangria. That helped too.

I’ve never been a guy who chased the money. Winning replaces any amount of money.

Hahaha just kidding.

Pay me.


-Fake Dan Ellis