Buy my book you lousy poor person!

Today's post was written by friend of the blog Fake Dan Ellis.

I am now selling a book, and I command all of you to buy it, right now.

The Complete Fake Dan Ellis

A collection of the complete tweets of @FakeDanEllis, who ruled the hockey Twitter universe with an iron (but really gold) fist from September of 2010 to September 2011.

This book contains all of the Fake Dan Ellis tweets, a new foreward summarizing the Fake Dan Ellis saga, and fifty new bonus jokes never tweeted by Fake Dan Ellis.

All of the proceeds from the sale of this book will be added to the vast piles of money strewn about Ellis Manor.

The book is priced at $10.00, which, I have been told, is an amount of money that most of you people can afford to spend. Ten dollars is probably what one of your disgusting fast-food meals costs, right? And take a look at yourself: do you REALLY need another cheeseburger? You make me sick.

So skip your next meal and use that money to buy my book, is what I'm saying.

It's a perfect coffee table book (I understand that a "coffee table" is like a real table only for poors) and makes a great gift for hockey fans, comedy fans, hockey comedy fans, Twitter fans, hockey comedy Twitter fans, and comedy Twitter fans.

I need money, you guys. I have expenses. Escrow was bad enough back when I actually had a regular NHL job, but these days the situation has become much worse. Things are pretty grim. I've actually had to sell some of my Komodo dragons to pay the bills!

I mean I still have dozens of Komodo dragons but regardless - it's sad.

Money has been really tight, and I have so much stuff I need to buy! Man-sized gemstones. A shower that showers you with lasers. 300 dollar sports-training sunglasses that simulate blinking really fast.

This stuff isn't free, you know.

If more people had purchased t-shirts then this book wouldn't have been necessary. I wouldn't have had to sell my unicorn skull on eBay, and I would be able to afford to feed Jeeves more than three times a week. But no - none of you wanted to help out. Doesn't anyone out there care about the problems of others?

You guys are so selfish.

Look, I didn't want to bring this up but...you people owe me. If you ever got even a chuckle out of what I wrote on Twitter and you DON'T buy this book then I'm pretty sure I can sue you for theft, take every penny you have, and then throw them all in the garbage because ew, pennies are disgusting.

I probably won't do that though.

But I could.

Buy the book here.

-Fake Dan Ellis