Dads

As was the case with that asshole, Rudy, I too wish Willie Mitchell was my dad. We could both sit around, drink beers while wearing crazy Native American (or is it Native Canadian?) outfits, talking about how crappy of shape our knees are in. Alas, this is not the case. Despite my numerous letters, Willie has not replied back. Another failed return, just like how my actual father failed to return after a quick trip to 7-11 for more cigarettes. Slightly important also, this leaves quite the void on the Kings in terms of father figures/shut down defensemen with Mitchell out for who knows how the fuck long (tally it, Meg).

Who will step in? Who will take Alec Martinez, Drew Doughty, and Slava Voynov out to Six Flags and for ice cream? Who will take them to see R rated movies? Who will buy alcohol for them as long as they pay for a bottle of Canadian LTD? Scuderi? Unlikely. He is more of the "Another day at the mill, son. Someone has to earn rent" type of dad. Matt Greene probably isn't allowed near children, plus he fits more of the crazy cousin role where he shows you the possum he shot with his crossbow.

Maybe it's time for Davis Drewiske to step forward and assume the mantle of NHL defenseman instead of NHL perpetual healthy scratch. Can he handle second pairing parenting responsibilities? What will he do when Slava has a bad day at school and yells about how he wants to go back to Russia? Do any of us remember who Drewiske even is?

My take is to see what other dads are out there that the Kings could employ for a while.

Darth Vader: The former dark lord certainly has the goods to make it in the NHL, seeing how often he battles through crippling injuries. PROS - Pretty solid dueling skills if it ever came down to it. Big frame, even if a little rigid. Could choke out Ryane Clowe with his mind, and I'm pretty sure he would avoid a suspension. CONS - Let's his anger take over and commits some really stupid penalties. Vision doesn't seem so great, and I really question his conditioning. Also, kind of dead.

Homer Simpson: It's already been proven Homer has some great hockey player stock in him, and demands nothing but perfection when it comes to sports and his kids. PROS - Can really take a beating. Has incredible amounts of dumb luck. Would totally buy beer for Doughty. CONS - Lazy. Pretty sure he is a right handed shot. Wouldn't share donuts with Doughty.

Mufasa: Ruler of the savannah, and father to Jonathan Taylor Thomas/Matthew Broderick. PROS - Great hockey hair. Sounds like Darth Vader, except a lot nicer. Controls weather patterns apparently. CONS - Not bipedal. Crazy hippie life view. Also dead.

Cliff Huxtable: He has a bunch of kids and somehow manages that AND being a doctor. PROS - Free jello! Awesome sweaters. Great with kids. CONS - Only able to relate with Anthony Stewart.

God: We all know what God is capable of, but the real question is if he is going to take every seventh day off. PROS - Huge fan base. Pretty good skill set. Weird sense of humor. CONS - Questionable existence (hello hate mail). Lot of fighting because of him. Nature is mean. Confused for Santa. Been seemingly working against the Kings up until last year.

Jonathan Quick: Fuck words and beer. Dad of the year also. PROS - Already carries the Kings on his back. Has the type of personality that is a perfect fit for being my type of dad. Drinks and swears on live TV. May in fact actually be God. CONS - Is a New York Giants fan.