Ducks Gameday: The Cocks We Could Have Seen

If you've been reading Battle of California at all lately (or just about any other hockey media), you're aware of the comments Joe Thornton made, promising to whip out his cock and stroke it if he scores four goals in one game.

Like most of you, I had no idea that public masturbation was the appropriate celebration for a four goal game. Because we've never seen this actually happen on the ice, but we have seen four goal games, apparently the players themselves (other than Thornton) were not aware of this either. Thankfully we've all been made aware of it, so if it ever happens again, we're all on the same page.

But what about the players that have met this four-goals-in-one-game threshold before? Let's take this time to review what could have been, which cocks we could have seen had we known this earlier. Listed below in mostly chronological order are the names of the players who have scored four (or more) goals in one game, when they did it, and against what team. I'm only going back as far as the 2004-05 lockout because I'm lazy.

You'll also notice illustrations of what their cocks might look like. These illustrations came from the ANU College of Asia & the Pacific website, which seems to think that all cocks have piercings. So these are academic penises, nothing obscene here.

List of NHLers Who Have Scored A Cocktrick Since 2005

• Dany Heatley - 10/29/2005, against Toronto
  
• Daniel Alfredsson - 11/2/2005, against Buffalo
  
• Martin Havlat - 11/2/2005, against Buffalo
  
• Ilya Kovalchuk - 11/11/2005, against Tampa Bay
  
• Jan Bulis - 1/25/2006, against Philadelphia
  
• Mats Sundin - 4/11/2006, against Florida
  
• Joffrey Lupul - 5/9/2006, against Colorado
  
• Viktor Kozlov - 12/3/2006, against New York Rangers
  
• Jussi Jokinen - 11/16/2007, against Colorado
  
• Marian Gaborik - 12/20/2007, against New York Rangers (5 goals), and again on 1/19/2011 against Toronto (4 goals)
  
• Alex Ovechkin - 12/29/2007, against Ottawa, and again on 1/31/2008 against Montreal
  
• Dainius Zubrus - 11/23/2008, against Tampa Bay
  
• Eric Staal - 3/7/2009, against Tampa Bay
  
• David Backes - 4/2/2009, against Detroit
  
• Alex Kovalev - 1/3/2010, against Philadelphia
  
• Thomas Vanek - 4/10/2010, against Ottawa
  
• Johan Franzen - 5/6/2010, against San Jose, and again 2/2/2011, against Ottawa (5 goals)
  
• Ryan Callahan - 3/6/2011, against Philadelphia
  
• Matt Moulson - 12/3/2011, against Dallas
  
• Lars Eller - 1/4/2012, against Winnipeg
  
• Sam Gagner - 2/2/2012, against Chicago
  
• Chris Kunitz - 2/3/2013, against Washington
  
• Tomas Hertl - 10/8/2013, against New York Rangers
  

And there you have it. I sure do hope you're reading this at work.

Gameday Prediction

Emerson Etem scores a cocktrick, whips it out and strokes it.

Classic Moment

To help commemorate the Ducks' 20th year this season, each gameday I'll be posting a clip of a classic moment from the team's history against that night's opponent. Here is today's...

On December 8th, 2001 the Mighty Ducks were playing in Calgary and a line brawl breaks out that takes over 20 minutes to settle. At around the 18 minute mark in this video, you can see there are only 2 players left on the Flames' bench who haven't been sent to the penalty box.

More from Battle of California:

• Los Angeles Kings Gameday: Don't Get Cocky
• Sharks Gameday: Super Monkey Ball
• The 5 Funniest Hockey Tweets of the Week: Best Week Ever Edition
• Los Angeles Kings Gameday: Soul Searching with Tim Thomas
• Ducks Gameday: Drunken Movie Review - The Mighty Ducks