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Sharks Gameday: I'm so sick of Canada

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The Sharks have spent the past week touring the worst cities in Canada.

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You know what I've had way too much of lately? Freaking Canada.

I thought this new Pacific Division thing was going to be great, at first. The Sharks wouldn't have to play the Stars very much anymore, and instead could get easy wins against the Flames, Canucks, and Oilers all season long. What could be bad about that, right?

Well I guess I forgot that sometimes the Sharks would actually have to GO to Canada.

This blows.

The Sharks have been on the road for about a week, American time (that's six months, Canadian). After they finish tonight's game against the Oilers they have to swing back down into the Land of the Free to play a game in Chicago before they FINALLY get to return to the Only Good State to host the Lightning on the 21st.

(Sidebar: I once read a short story where hospitals developed this new technique that could bring people who had recently died or who were brain dead back to life. They did it to a bunch of people but then all of the people who came back were just screaming and crying and were all out of their minds. It turned out that what had happened was that the people who died had been in Heaven, so returning to their bodies on shitty Earth was an unimaginable torture after how great Heaven was.

That's what I imagine it must be like for people who have to leave California for an extended period of time.

Also I think maybe something similar happened in one of the later seasons of Buffy: The Vampire Slayer? I forget.)

The worst thing about the week-long Canadian exile for the Sharks is that they've had to spend their time in the all the WORST places in Canada. They didn't even get to go anywhere cool, like the country's capital city of Toronto or the funny French part of Canada. No, instead they had to waste their lives hanging out in Bus-town, Texas North, Whine Country, and now, worst of all (except for Winnipeg), Edmonton.250px-edmontoncoa

Edmonton, also known as E-Town, The Chuck, Festival City, The Big E, River City, E-Chuck, Oil City, and Edmonchuck (and I swear I only made one of those up, the rest are from Wikipedia) also calls itself the "City of Champions." It apparently got that name both from their sporting success in the 80s and this one time they got hit by a tornado (I don't know, Canada's weird). Regardless of the origin, it's a pretty inappropriate slogan for a city whose premier sports team is by FAR the worst in the Western Conference.

The Oilers have ten points coming into tonight's game. Ten! That's pathetic. They come into the game against the Sharks having lost four in a row, and (get this) having lost their last three home games by a combined score of 12-0. That's right: the Oilers have been shut out in their past three games on home ice.

What a mess. That's an embarrassment.

The Oilers are so bad that after the Sharks traded with them for Mike Brown, some of Edmonton's badness actually rubbed off on San Jose. Before the Mike Brown trade the Sharks had victories in eight out of their nine games. After Brown joined the team they only recorded three victories in their next nine games. I'm no doctor, but I recognize a locker room cancer when I see it. The Sharks need to tear up Mike Brown's passport and drop him off in the middle of the Canadian woods, because that dude sucks almost as bad as the Oilers and Canada itself.

Next Game

San Jose Sharks
@ Edmonton Oilers

Friday, Nov 15, 2013, 7:00 PM PST
Rexall Place

Complete Coverage >

Prediction: The Sharks beat the Oilers 5-0 and burn down Canada on their way out. The world thanks them.

Video Gamery: My 63rd-favorite video game is Tiger Words Pro Tour. I played one of them (I think it was 2004) a ton in college and I loved the hell out of the character and course creators. It was awesome because there were four of us who played and the other three guys used the character creator and took forever making careful reconstructions of what they look like in real life, but I just made Lemmy from Motörhead, so my golfer looked like this.

It was the greatest thing.

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