Los Angeles Kings Gameday: Gurl

Recently, R&B superstar and noted pisser on underage girls, R. Kelly, sat down with the Rolling Stone and shot the shit. They gave him some random phrases and he turned them into ear sex. I own a subscription to the Rolling Stone, so don't sue me please.

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Great stuff. But it got me thinking of why isn't there a groundbreaking hockey R&B song? Canada would probably have a huge population boom due to the insane amounts of "snow plowing" going on when this song came on. So since I am a naturally talented songwriter, I took it upon myself. I tried to get the Salvation Army Soldiers to perform it, but sadly they have broken up. Instead here's the lyrics. I hope you have a change of underwear handy, because you're about to shit yourself and orgasm simultaneously.

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[Start with a heavy beat intro]

Uhn

Uhn yeah.

Uhhhhhhhhnnnnn.

Gurl

I said gurllllllll

Don’t Bettman me,

And lock me out.

It’s not embellishment,

I’m gonna pout.

Show me how you stick handle,

You know I like to dangle.

I don’t wanna be alone,

Let me gain your zone.

Cause you’re something special,

I feel it in my soul.

Every night with you gurl,

I wanna score four goals.

Aw yeaaaah…

Cause gurl,

I don’t want you to ice my puck,

Call it bad PDO or just bad luck,

I don’t wanna regress like the Ducks,

Cause gurlll,

I’ll burn a city down for you and run amuck,

Like you’re my personal Vancouver Canucks,

I don’t care if it’s wrong like a jersey tuck.

Cause gurlllll…

Just call me Hayward,

Cause I’m a homer for you.

Do you like it rough?

I can be your Jordan Tootoo.

I wanna have this last,

Longer than a night or two.

Be something consistent,

Not like Jonathan Cheechoo.

Cause I wanna dive into you,

Like my name is Dustin Brown,

You make me longer than a bus,

From Winnipeg town.

Aw yeaaaaah…

Cause gurlllll,

I don’t want you to ice my puck,

After a loss I won’t pass the buck,

Gonna Kronwall you and plow you like a truck,

Cause gurlllllllllll,

Don’t stonewall me like you're Terry Sawchuck,

Have you seen my moves I got nunchucks,

My favorite Pokemon you know it’s Muk.

Cause gurllllllllrrrrllll…

You make me go "WHOA",

Just like Jim Fox.

C’mon let’s spend time,

In the penalty box.

I’ll take two for a hold,

Cause you got me with a trip,

Hope you’re wearing visor,

Cause I got an inadvertent high stick.

Let’s just roll those dice,

You can be my yellow ice.

Cause unlike the Coyotes,

You got me sold.

You came in first at Sochi,

Let me cover you in gold.

[Rips shirt open, crescendos]

Cause gurllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll,

I don’t want you to ice my puck,

Call it bad PDO or just bad luck,

I don’t wanna regress like the Ducks,

Cause gurlllurlurlllurlllllllurllllllllllllllll,

I’ll burn a city down for you and run amuck,

Like you’re my personal Vancouver Canucks,

I don’t care if it’s wrong like a jersey tuck.

Cause gurlllll…

[fade out]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you know anyone with studio time available please let me know.

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After looking absolutely great the past two games, and yet only coming away with three points, the Kings picked up their fourth point they deserved in a game where they deserved to get crushed. It didn't help matters the Kings lost two of their right wingers, for a total of three (sort of, if you count Trevor Lewis and Jeff Carter as wingers) guys out on the right flank. This resulted in Dustin Brown getting bumped to the third line to play on the right, Dwight King and Tanner Pearson both getting bumped up, and Daniel Carcillo playing on his off wing. It went badly. King had a rather invisible game, Pearson wasn't terrible but it was a lot to ask from him to put in second line minutes, Brown was okay, and Carcillo looked lost at times on the right.

Thankfully, new franchise goaltender, Ben Scrivens, kept the Kings in the game and won them at least a Bettman point. I wonder if the Kings' fanbase is having flashbacks to 2011-2012 where the Kings can't score and are relying on goaltending. Jonathan Quick was probably at home drunk yelling about how he would have gotten the team to the shootout and won. Anyways, outside of the first period, the Kings were a hot mess. Hopefully a day or so to get some rest and get acclimated to new lines will help them out. It would certainly be a huge plus if Carter rejoins the team as Matt Frattin and Lewis are both out for a little while it seems. I have no idea if Jordan Nolan is healthy or not.

The Vancouver Canucks meanwhile are in a slump, going 1-6 lately. The one win was a drubbing of the Blue Jackets. Naturally, a lot of the blame has fallen on the refs not giving them the calls (according to the comments on Pass it to Bulis) because they're the Canucks and life is so unfair sometimes.

Prediction: Life is unfair to Ben Scrivens, and the Kings lose 1-0.

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