Tuesday, Nov 26, 2013, 5:00 PM PST
American Airlines Center
When Jer asked for help covering his dumb team, my only real concern was that I would have to come across as knowledgeable about the Ducks. Fortunately, I've been reading and commenting here long enough to know that if you guys put up with him, I should be fine. I could always play to my own strengths instead.
Unfortunately, the guy before me went with puns, and that's not an idea I think we should u-Seguin.
Instead, I think that I should help clear the (fresh, clean) air between Texas and California. You see, I know that this blog and Texas have had their differences before. You're all self-loathing hippy dipshits convinced of your own state's superiority and Texans are all minority-loathing redneck dipshits convinced of their own state's superiority. But you see, you're more similar than you realize. I recently visited the western United States and got to take a day-trip into California. On my way, I couldn't help but notice how much your state resembles Texas. Here's how:
Lazy Border Control
When we drove into California, they had a dude standing in a booth on the highway to make sure we weren't sneaking fruit into the state. Texas border control is out to stop something a little larger and a lot less-threatening to crops, but as the apple that I blatantly brought into California would tell you (probably in spanish), they're kind of shitty at their job.
There's some absolute majesty surrounded by low-lying dirty shit
This one's self-explanatory, but both states feature scenic vistas where you can marvel at the beauty which nature can produce, but unless you're rich enough to live there, the best you'll get is a visit before going back to your shit-smelling farmland or your horribly congested smog-filled city.
Assholes in pickup trucks
Good job on that lift-kit, Shitsnacks. I bet that's super handy for tooling through afternoon jams on I-80 or I-35.
Homeless people and Applebees
It's not a true vacation unless you sample the exotic local cuisine on your way to more-fun things and what's more exotic than Applebees? I've been fortunate enough to see homeless people shifting through the garbage outside one of those fine restaurants in both states. I've never seen that happen anywhere else. It was even better when the manager who looked like Jonah Hill fucked Seth Rogen just smiled and waved at them instead of chasing them off with a broom or calling animal control.
Inability to drive in the snow
This is actually a thing that all states have in common, but hey, I'm bringing people together here. Don't fuck up my mojo.
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So there you have it: an exhaustive list of things which the states of Texas and California have in common. You can celebrate this with your Texas hockey fan brethren tonight as the Ducks take on the Stars.
Prediction: People actually watch this game, since it's the only one on the NHL calendar for tonight.