Los Angeles Kings Gameday: Imports

While it has been no secret that St. Louis's main exports and sources of entertainment are crack-cocaine and murder, they finally brought in something to make their lives easier. No, it wasn't a deed to a new house in a livable metro area, it was the Swedish super furniture store, IKEA. All this time in St. "Stanky River" Louis they had been without affordable, weird furniture with unpronounceable names. Technically, IKEA hasn't opened up shop yet in the city of antisemitism, but it's been announced. It is also a tad strange that a giant chain like IKEA would avoid St. Louis for all this time. Especially since they have locations worldwide, including Iceland, Turkey, Lithuania, Egypt, Israel, Saudi Arabia, Kuwait, Malaysia, Thailand, Taiwan, and the Dominican Republic. Not to mention the plethora of IKEA stores all over the United States. Just not St. Louis. But wait, there's more! Here was the actual local story quoting the impact of IKEA opening up in St. Louis.

Ihnen said the presence of IKEA will undoubtedly cause more chain stores, like Home Depot and Target, to consider opening within the city limits.

No Targets or Home Depots?! Where do people in St. Louis buy things? Where do day laborers in St. Louis go? Is there anything to actually buy in St. Louis besides drugs and firearms? As for IKEA, they have not commented on the whole thing. Probably because they don't want the negative press coming in that they are setting up in "Capitol Crack". The Blues should be pretty happy with this though. They have themselves a few Swedish imports already in Patrik Berglund and Magnus-Ramos Karl Urban Little House on the Pääjärvi-Svensson. But this is a whole new marketing opportunity to take advantage of. Half of their roster is already in IKEA catalogs.

VLADIMIR TÄRNAN-"SINK"O

A young up and coming faucet that is a natural goal scorer! Only $79.99

JORDAN LEO-PELLO CHAIR

For $49.99, a very sturdy and natural stay at home chair. Also great for a sore "Backes". Hahahahaha, please put the gun down.

JAY BYHOLM-EESTER

$89.99?! This chair is gangly, ugly, and also a rather expensive for something that really isn't that great.

KEVIN SHATTEN-KLABB

Who fucking wants a pink lamp?

ALEX PIE-TORNA-GELO

Bring the shit of St. Louis inside with you with what looks like a hanging trashcan. Also substitutes as a noose! Only $69.99.

CARLO COLAINTHEBOX

Surprise!

DAVID BA-KOCK

Were you expecting something else?

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I am not going to talk about that last game. But seriously Voynov, your stick could wait one fucking second to make sure you have cleared your own zone. God damn. Also, Scrivens, learn to skate. I know you're a goalie but c'mon.

Prediction: Kings lose a billion to one after a series of banana peels wind up on the ice around Ben Scrivens.

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