Tuesday, Dec 3, 2013, 7:00 PM PST
I've never actually seen a Fast and Furious movie.
The closest I've come is this one time that a bunch of people from my work went out to see it, and I was with them somehow, and the opening scene had some car drive into a canyon or some shit and the car flipped around and landed in the water below and everyone came out unharmed and the car was in great condition.
Some people in the audience cheered.
It was one of the stupidest things I had ever seen in a modern movie, and since we were at an iPic theatre, I left to go to the bar. By the time I got back to the movie, I had missed too much to follow along and too drunk to remember it anyway.
It was a great day.
Anyway, what I'm saying is that I'm not really qualified to discuss whether Vin Diesel, the furious to Paul Walker's fast, is better than Paul Walker. But I'll try anyway.
Don't get me wrong, Vin Diesel sucks. I'm not defending him, I'm simply saying he's not as awful as Paul Walker was, god rest his soul.
You know who else sucks? Daniel Tosh. But even a broken clock is right twice a day, and here's what he says about Vin Diesel:
I know this really hurts my case as to why Vin Diesel is better than Paul Walker, but I'm trying to be upfront with you. I want you to understand just how much I hate Vin Diesel, which really highlights how lowly I thought of Paul Walker if I put him beneath Vin Diesel.
Here are five reasons why Vin Diesel is better than Paul Walker ever was:
5. Vin Diesel was pretty good in Saving Private Ryan for like five minutes.
Remember Saving Private Ryan? Sure you do. Did you remember that Vin Diesel was in it? Who cares. I'm telling you he was in it. And it was okay for a bit.
4. The Chronicles of Riddick
I never saw it, but Dunn told me earlier that he heard once that it was a movie.
3. Vin Diesel was an Executive Producer once.
Okay, granted it was for xXx, a horrible movie, but what the fuck did Paul Walker ever executive produce? Nothing, I hope, or this whole point is moot.
2. Vin Diesel has a twin brother.
You know who else has a twin brother? Teemu Selanne has a twin brother. Awesome.
1. Vin Diesel is still alive.
Paul Walker is not. Here are the last moments of his life, caught on film:
Actually, apparently this isn't that far from the truth, as drag racing is speculated as being a part of the star's recent death.
Paul Walker is dead, much like the Los Angeles Kings are dead last in the standings of all California teams.
I think we can all agree that being alive is generally better than being dead.
Clearly, Vin Diesel wins. And in the first game between the Ducks and Kings of the season, the Ducks will win.
But if you actually read through all of this article (or Dunn's Paul Walker article), you lose. Sorry.
Kings fans embarrass themselves.
To help commemorate the Ducks' 20th year this season, each gameday I'll be posting a clip of a classic moment from the team's history against that night's opponent. Here is today's...
Hey, check out this boxscore from the very first Ducks/Kings game ever! Which, like so many other games that season, Anaheim lost.