For proper enjoyment of this post, please play this music while you read it and for the rest of your life as well:
"What was once a happy, peaceful, productive city, full of life and activity, has fallen into the hands of a secret criminal syndicate. The leader of the syndicate has somehow managed to keep his identity a secret. The organization soon absorbed the city government. They even had the police force in their clutches. Looting, random violence and destruction are rampant. No one is safe walking the streets, day or night...
"As the chaos continued at full strength, three young police officers tried to establish a special attack unit. They were repeatedly turned down by their superiors, most of whom had been bought by the organization or were too afraid to make a stand. One day, when they could no longer stand by and watch their city being demolished, they quit the force!'
"Brent Burns, Justin Braun and Patrick Marleau decided to forgo their careers in legal law enforcement and put their lives on the line. They are without weapons, but each possesses great hand-to-hand combat abilities. Take them into the heart of the city and battle the most dangerous wave of bad dudes and chicks ever assembled. Make the city a place where people no longer have to walk the Streets of Rage!"
- Brent "Dragonpunch" Burns has unmatched physical power, but takes a while to get up to speed. Additionally, he is horrible at jumping.
- Justin "Brawn" Braun is well-balanced and good at just about everything. Except for jumping. He sucks at jumping.
- Patrick "Joe Thornton" Marleau isn't very powerful but has decent speed. He's also a world-class jumper, but unfortunately he rarely gets to show off that particular talent.
San Jose Sharks
@ Pittsburgh Penguins
Thursday, Dec 5, 2013, 4:00 PM PST
CONSOL Energy Center
Complete Coverage >
The Pittsburgh Penguins are the best team in the East, but these days that's basically just like being the smartest kid in third grade. The Sharks are playing great hockey and should be able to keep winning without any trouble until Sunday when they play a western team again.
Prediction: The Sharks win 4-0, with goals from Axel, Blaze, an old dude with a mechanical arm, and a kangaroo for some goddamn reason.