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Los Angeles Kings Gameday: MANY YEARS AGO

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NHL 94 is clearly the best way to determine a winner

Told ya, SCIENCE!
Told ya, SCIENCE!

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Anaheim Ducks
@ Los Angeles Kings

Monday, Feb 25, 2013, 7:30 PM PST

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When deciding the fate of the Battle of Southern California it's always vital to play a video game that's around 20 years old. Not only that, but when one team is just conceived, and their opponent has the greatest player to ever play (outside of Andy the Jet) and went to the Finals the season prior, well...

But that's erroneous. The Ducks want to mess with the big dogs? Might as well let them. Luc Robitaille, Wayne Gretzkey, Rob "BOOOOOOO" Blake, and Kelly Hrudey versus...I don't know. All of the guys in NHL 94 on the Ducks are probably dead in fact, outside of maybe Guy Hebert. Super analyzer/host, Ron Barr, summarized the matchup as "ass cripplingly one sided". NHL 94 was the best.

The main takeaway is Rob Blake going end to end, missing, running Hebert, and falling over right around the twenty second mark. That and the fact that three five minute periods somehow ran under ten minutes. Bending time and space can be tricky.

Robitaille and Gretzky dominate the offense, the Ducks score on themselves, and L.A. wins 5-1. What's this mean for the Kings today? They could really use Gretzky for one, Blake is still a douche, and I really need to get out more instead of laughing at Jer. Well, actually this is okay. He may want to tell you that this is a stupid game and it doesn't matter. BULLSHIT. This is NHL 94, and the Ducks sucking in this virtual world of yesteryear will commence the suckitude against the Kings of our present. It's science.

FIRST PERIOD HIGHLIGHTS: Jer wasn't too pleased about Gretzky walking right on in and potting an early goal, but Wayne does what he wants. Including dropping opposing defenders as he stick handles around them. Some guy with the word "semen" in his name passed it to another guy, who according to Jer, is named Lonnie Loach. Obviously a made up player, so his goal is made up also. Refs disallow it for being faker than Ashley Olsen's success. The Kings power play sucks in 94 also, so you know this experiment is legit. Offsides is called 5 times in the last 30 seconds.

SECOND PERIOD HIGHLIGHTS: About another 50 offside calls.

THIRD PERIOD HIGHLIGHTS: "ANAL"IHATION! HAHAHAHA. The Ducks are fucking idiots. LUUUUUUUUUUUUUUC. And not just one garbage time goal but TWO! The Kings are awesome and I am swelling with pride. Or something is going on down there. Who knows? Either way, this is going to happen in reality. Except instead of Gretzky and Luc the Kings have Jarret Stoll and Trevor Lewis.

Okay, so the Ducks may have really sucked in 1994, but at least they had a fairly accurate team (according to Jer). The Sharks on the other hand were actually partly made up. And it looks like they loaned their alternate jerseys to the Ducks also.

Prediction: I waste the next three days of my life trying to get better at NHL 94 and stop letting Steve Yzerman school my ass.