Los Angeles Kings
@ Phoenix Coyotes
Tuesday, Mar 12, 2013, 7:00 PM PDT
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Woo-hoo, 24 games into our already half-assed season and the Kings are doing alright. But how about individually? Let's cut the shit and get down to business. Speaking of which...
Jeff Carter - I'll Make a Man Out of You, Mulan
Oh, I forgot to mention I'm grading using the lamest/most childish way I could imagine. Disney songs! (Note: I am only giving you the titles, so look them up yourself/fire up your VHS. I don't want to get sued. And YouTube shuts most of them down).
Carter is the fucking boss right now the way only Tony Danza could dream of being. When the rest of the Kings were busy being pussies and sucking ass, Carter was all, "Aw fuck this shit", and scrotumed up. He knows how to be a man and carry armies/offenses to being respectable again. Even Trevor Lewis was a threat because other team's defenses were just so god damn terrified Carter was even thinking of shooting. Penalty killing. He does it. Power play go-to guy. Bam. He gets the puck now, defenses just piss themselves and let Carter choose how to embarrass their sorry asses.
Alec Martinez - Prince Ali (Jafar version), Aladdin
Alec has been a fraud this whole time! I feel cheated, lied to, and more synonyms along those lines. Now I know what Jasmine felt like finding out Aladdin was street trash with no tiger but an AIDS riddled monkey instead. And that monkey just flung it's doodoo in our face about Martinez. Maybe he turns it around like Aladdin did. Maybe he just sucks ass more and breaks my heart. Thank god for...
Jake Muzzin - The Sword in the Stone
Yeah, I know it's a whole movie and not a song. But Jake Muzzin is basically Wart. He is brought on out of necessity, and takes a beating early on. Except he's killing it now, and everyone loves him. Just like Wart. Muzzin already had a shot a few seasons back and kind of fizzled out, and sort of fizzled out again this year. Until Martinez got hurt and kept Muzzin around, thankfully. And now he's our new god.
The Dustin Brown / Anze Kopitar / Justin Williams line - You Can Fly! Peter Pan
It was either this or "What Made the Red Man Red?", and I didn't want to deal with the racial consequences along with the impending lawsuit from Disney. This line is good...Not everything I have is good. In fact none of this is, stop reading.
Dustin Penner -Hakunah Matata, The Lion King
The Kings traded Simon Gagne. What does Dustin Penner have to worry about? Brad Richardson? Yeah, right...Oh yeah, they called up Tyler Toffoli.
Drew Doughty - The entire soundtrack from Alice in Wonderland
Really I should have just gone with "White Rabbit" by Jefferson Airplane. Doughty has been up and down all season, scoring a big zero, but playing good defense. At the tune of a -1. Though to be fair, that is a great improvement considering his Jack Johnson like +/- earlier. However, the biggest question is Doughty making Jake Muzzin better, or is it the other way around? Let's do drugs and find out! You're buying.
Jonathan Quick vs. Jonathan Bernier - Be Prepared vs. I Just Can't Wait to be King, The Lion King
Quick has to stay on his game, and lately has been, lest he get supplanted by the upstart, Bernier. Plus, Quick seems more of an angry drunk this season, while Bernie has been annoyingly peppy. Joke's on him when he gets shipped to Winnipeg this summer.
Trevor Lewis - The Work Song, Cinderella
Trevor Lewis was on the second line for a while. It was really a story about being something he wasn't despite being in the role and scoring a couple of times. Pretty self explanatory with Cinderella in general except magic isn't real. Sorry Trevor.
Rob Scuderi - The Bare Necessities, The Jungle Book
Scuds is not a great skater, shooter, playmaker, or big hitter. But he blocks shots, and breaks up plays, so for a guy that plays defense, he does exactly what's needed. This hasn't changed this year. It's what he does and needs to do to stay in the league. Hence this song.
Slava Voynov - I've Got No Strings, Pinocchio
This season Slava has had no hesitation jumping into plays, or throwing big hits. Maybe it was rookie jitters, or just getting adjusted to the speed but Voynov gets shit moving from the blueline. You get the idea. Additionally, he hangs around an old guy who stays home all the time...SCUDERI.
Kyle Clifford, Colin Fraser, Jordan Nolan, Brad Richardson, Davis Drewiske, Dwight King, & Keaton Ellerby - Heigh-Ho, Snow White and the Seven Dwarves
Admittedly, this is a cop-out. You know this song. It's about hard work. The end.
Mike Richards - Pink Elephants on Parade, Dumbo
Jesus, this song was just all sorts of weird. Sort of like a bender with Mike Richards. The moral of the story is drinking will make crazy and terrifying, yet sort of fun, little blackouts. But you always wake up miserable and locked up.
Jarret Stoll - Under the Sea, The Little Mermaid
Don't talk shit about the Little Mermaid, assholes.