Los Angeles Kings Gameday: Mighty UCLA

A Tale of Woe

Why USC is Stupid and Sucks, and Why UCLA is Way Better and Stuff

by Mr. Get'r Alonso Dunn

I was born in southern California. I grew up in southern California. I did my first illegal substances in southern California. And, believe it or not, I lost my virginity in southern California. I did however go to college in upstate New York. Besides those years, southern California is basically where I am the vast majority of the time. Still, I never really got into the whole UCLA vs USC thing. Probably because my parents had no allegiances to either school, I didn't associate with anyone who went to either one, and no one I knew had plans of attending them. That changed when I found myself at an expensive, private high school after years of the public education system.

All of a sudden, I was surrounded by richer, whiter, and smarter kids than the cholos I rolled with in years past. These kids had aspirations of MIT, Stanford, NYU, and of course USC and UCLA. My old homies were more of the community college, chop shop, or Jack-in-the-Box day shift manager crowd. I quickly discovered I preferred hearing of their goals in life than hearing about the college dreams of some asshole who lived in a mansion in a fancy gated community within a gated community (Whiteception?). As you may surmise, the worst were the USC kids. "Blah blah blah, it's a legacy, blah blah, the best come from there, blah blah, I may get railed by their quarterback, blah".

Maybe USC is a finer education institution than UCLA. I don't know. I got rejected by both, so they must hold some standards. USC certainly is a finer cheater when it comes to their athletic organizations, and it brought them unfathomable success. The biggest difference I picked up though was that the UCLA kids talked way more shit about USC. USC kids just kind of said they were better than the UCLA supporters, and really anybody else for that matter. Naturally, UCLA had my support, but pretty mildly. I was in the throws of deciding between heroin and sex, or graduating and playing hockey so my attention was a little diverted.

By the time senior year rolled around, the USC kids were pretty damn vocal at this point about just exactly where they had gotten into. I on the other hand wound up getting accepted by a state school in southern California, and I chose that over waiting for the upstate New York school to figure out their shit about accepting me or not (they did, I transferred later). While my old vatos thought I was hot shit, most of the kids at my high school figured I was retarded. Of course the USC ones gave me the best conversations, and one stuck with me...

USC chode: "Hey, I heard you finally decided what college you are going to."

Me: "Yeah."

USC chode: "Cool. You staying local or moving?"

Me: "Looks like I'm staying put."

USC chode: "Oh awesome! So am I. I got into USC (they were wearing a USC sweatshirt, so no shit) just like my brother, and my mom and dad. What about you?"

Me: "Uh, a state school for me."

USC chode: "Uh oh, better not have been UCLA! I may have to stop talking to you! Ha ha ha."

(A brief pause in the conversation)

Me: "No, don't worry. Not UCLA."

USC chode: "One of the UC's though, huh? Those aren't bad schools. Plus, it's a little easier pacing and-"

Me: "Actually it's a Cal State."

USC chode: "Oh...Sorry..."

Seriously. As chance would have it, one guy girl I dated briefly at the lowly, pathetic Cal State school, who fell into the desperate category, and thankfully not the drug addict or fat categories, was a huge UCLA fan. She occasionally would go to their football games with her family, but without me. Something about it being embarrassing, I'm not quite sure, she never really told me. One evening, before she told me to leave so her roommate wouldn't know I was there, I asked her about how she became a UCLA fan. Her parents didn't go there, she didn't know more than a few people there, and she certainly didn't attend UCLA.

"Because they are L.A.'s college."

Yeah, but there's a lot of colleges in L.A. Including USC...

"USC is a bunch of egotistical jerks who think the world belongs to them."

While this didn't answer a lot, I did have to agree partly. Around that same in my life, I attended a Kings game, where afterwards I was crammed in an elevator with about 50 other people at the Stapler. One of the fellow elevator travelers was a middle-aged woman wearing a USC sweatshirt and hat. Coincidentally, there was also a younger Mexican guy with a UCLA jacket. The elevator stalled out for a second while trying to operate lowering a load 25 people over its capacity.

"Looks like we got a few too many," said someone not worth recalling.

"I knew I shouldn't have had that extra hotdog," joked the UCLA guy. Oh, what a knee slapper. "Guess we just gotta throw someone out". The elevator was already moving along at this point, albeit slowly.

"More like throw you out," commented the USC woman. A real zinger.

"Oh yeah, I see your hat. Probably just push you out," said Mr. UCLA. A killer comeback.

"I don't think you're even smart enough," Ms. USC retorted. Wait, what?

"Totally like you USC trash."

"I would expect no less from you UCLA idiots."

"Yeah have fun supporting your cheating, rapist football team."

"Fuck you, asshole."

"Whatever, ya old [coño]."

Thankfully, the elevator finally reached its destination and everyone hurried out of the elevator. Nobody else said a word. But USC started that argument. So fuck them. They are jerks. They cheat. George Lucas wouldn't have ruined Star Wars if he had gone to UCLA. Mark Sanchez is a terrible quarterback. OJ FREAKING SIMPSON. Case closed.

A few years later at a bar, I ran into another former high school classmate that attended USC. I tried flirting with her a bit, and after ordering another Rolling Rock, she looked at my drink, at me, said nothing and then left. I'm not bitter. And this post has nothing to do with the fact that one girl who was a UCLA fan gave me the time of day, and one from USC ditched me after five minutes. SHUT UP.

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Prediction: ASU girls are a safer bet if you can get around the herpes. Speaking of herpes, I wonder what stupid shit Ryane Clowe will try and pull. Since this is supposed to be a prediction, I say he punches the scoreboard operator and changes it to "KINGS-0, SHARKS-A BILLION. YOLO". What a piece of USC (University of Stupid Clowe?) trash.