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The Dallas Stars have lost their way

Jerome Miron-USA TODAY Sports

We all know the Dallas Stars are disgusting pieces of shit. But times have been hard in Dallas. Their crapodometer has been dangerously low, trending down to Florida Panther like levels. Steve Ott and Mike Ribeiro, the shithead in chief and vice-pube-gargler, both have headed east. This leaves Brenden Morrow, Erik Cole, and Jamie Benn to shoulder the load. And Dallas...They aren't taking this dumping of players well.


Admittedly, I am pretty disappointed by this also. The Stars are team made to hate. Just ask Buffalo fans. Don't believe me? Brett Hull. I rest my case. Now I have tried to make Jaromir Jagr into Derian Hatcher, and frankly it just isn't working. Maybe it's because they are leaving the Pacific. We are a division of jerks after all. But still, it's sad to see the Stars becoming less douchey. Jagr is a free agent at the end of year. So is new whiney second line center, Derek Roy. Eric Nystrom, who has burst onto the scene of being a pain in the ass is a UFA also. Morrow? Shane Doan's greatest rival of dickheaded team captains? Free agency looms for him, too. Whatever the hell a "Jordie" is needs a contract as well.

But fear not Dallas! All is well! For as you see, the holy ghost of Sean Avery has left you with a gift ripe for the pooping: Matt Cooke. While it's true that Cooke's greatest years of being a shithead have passed, he is a true leader in whining, turtling, and being enjoyably knocked the fuck out. Want a different pest playing center? Max Lapierre is ready to serve. Why stop there? Ryane Clowe, Raffi Torres, and Colton Orr can make you guys the least liked Stars since...last season's Stars! Wanna douche up the D? Andrew Alberts can help. You can even get an asshole goalie. While Mike Smith isn't likely to leave his personal cesspool carved out in the larger cesspool that is Arizona, Ray Emery is a proven backup shit eater that's potentially available. If all else fails, they could at least go pick Mike Ribeiro back up since god knows Washington is already hating themselves more and more by the second.

The Dallas Stars have the ability to usher in a new era of darkness and be despised by a whole new slew of division rivals. St. Louis and Chicago will be so excited to be playing you all the time again!

Anyways, say hello to the new Dallas Stars!


Next Game

Dallas Stars
@ Los Angeles Kings

Thursday, Mar 21, 2013, 7:30 PM PDT

Complete Coverage >

Los Angeles Kings tickets.

After losing three straight to division rivals (Phoenix, Dallas, and San Jose), the Kings won three straight against division rivals (San Jose and Phoenix x2). The Kings have been pretty good at revenge games this season, so hopefully they continue that trend. Whether Quick or Bernier gets the start is a toss up at this point. Quick got the shutout last game he started, so I'd peg him to get the call. The Stars will continue being pieces of shit, albeit smaller ones than they have been in the past.