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Anaheim Ducks Gameday: Family Circus Sucks

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Jer gets sidetracked while trying to create some content for Battle of California.

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Next Game

San Jose Sharks
@ Anaheim Ducks

Monday, Mar 25, 2013, 7:00 PM PDT
Honda Center

Complete Coverage >

So Meg came up with this dumb idea where he made me to come up with a random noun, and I said "pirate." Then he told me that is what he will be writing his article for tonight's game about, and that his random noun for my article is "circus," and I must write about that.

What a fucking asshole.

It was a loaded agreement because he knew the endgame before he even thought up his noun, where as I was just saying something just to say something and seeing where Meg was going with his stupid question. Had I known Meg would have been forced to come up with an article based on my suggestion, I would have come up with something much more interesting than pirates. Ridiculous.

I know Megalodon had dreams of me writing about elephants and clowns and popcorn or whatever, but instead I had a much better idea -- Everyone knows what the comic strip Family Circus is, and everyone knows that using MS Paint to make a funny image is much easier than writing an article. My initial plan for this article was to combine those two things; find a bunch of Family Circus comics and edit them with Sharks players' faces and redo the captions. Hilarity we would all enjoy!

But to carry out this plan, I had to do something I had never much done before: Read Family Circus. Look, I knew it was bad, and sure I'd read some in passing, on the way to Calvin and Hobbes or other more respectable comic strips, but I'd never just sat down and read a bunch of them at once.

They are bad. Real bad.

How the fuck Jeff Keane managed to have made a career out of this shit is beyond me. The comic strip was originally started by his father Bil Keane, and maybe Bil was really awesome at it and Jeff is just riding his coat tails, or maybe it's always been this awful and it's just the family business to be worthless piles of shit who make shitty comic strips.

This stuff was so bad that it filled me too full of rage to continue with my original plan. Instead, since I refuse to bear the burden of having read this awful trash all by myself, I'm going to share with you some of the crap I read.

I pulled all of these off of, which only displays the past 30 days of comics published. Thankfully it doesn't subject us to a larger archive, as I would have likely kept going further and further back, my blood boiling and rage spilling over, until I finally snapped and went on some sort of shooting spree. Instead, it got me just angry enough to share my hatred of the strip with a disinterested audience of hockey fans.


This is what they're almost all like. No jokes involved, just kids talking about the shit they'd like to do. Like helping to stir stuff. With a spoon. This was printed in 1,500 newspapers. Jeff Keane got paid for this.


Oh my, kids sure are a handful! Haha! Always wanting attention! I'm glad someone was finally brave enough to say it in comic form.



(larger version)

He seriously wasted an entire Sunday panel to remind people to set their clocks forward. What fucking person is taking their daylight saving cues from a comic strip? Who even cares if that person sets their clock forward? They obviously don't have a job or any where to be or anyone in their lives who cares if they show up on time!


Kids are snitches.


When Keane does attempt to incorporate some sort of joke into the strip, this is what we end up with. This isn't any better, Keane.


"Yo, let's share a cookie" is something Keane felt good about putting his (and his father's) name behind.


There's no happy ending to my article, folks. Family Circus is still going strong and will probably outlive us all because Jeff Keane probably has some unfunny fuck of a kid to take on the family business of being awful.

Fuck Family Circus. Fuck the Sharks. Fuck you.

Gameday Prediction: The Sharks are a bunch of clowns who lose 5-3.