San Jose Sharks Gameday: Omens

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"I haven't killed anybody for years, and don't intend to ever again.

It was just a stage I was going through."

-Iain Banks, The Wasp Factory

Today's book is The Wasp Factory. It's dark and disturbing and it's by the author of the previously-discussed The Player of Games but it isn't sci-fi at all. It has a twist ending that it would suck to have ruined for you so don't read any plot summaries or anything if you think you might want to read the book. According to Wikipedia (which spoils the twist ending) "the Irish Times called it 'a work of unparalleled depravity" so really I don't know why you haven't already purchased this book you asshole.

Here is another bit about the book that is relevant for us today:

The 'Wasp Factory' of the title is a huge clock face encased in a glass box and salvaged from the local dump. Behind each of the 12 numerals is a trap which leads to a different ritual death (for example burning, crushing, or drowning in Frank's urine) for the wasp that Frank puts into the hole at the center within tubes. Frank believes the death 'chosen' by the wasp predicts something about the future.

The Sharks have been a very difficult team to write about this season, because their play doesn't seem to follow any logic. First they were great, then they were terrible, then they were playing well but still losing, and now they've barely won a few games so...what's next? We need a way to look into the future. Therefore, for today's gameday post I am going to construct a Wasp Factory. I have a clock and some wasps and -

ow ow ow shit fuck they're stinging the shit out of me!

...

Okay never mind all that then. I guess we need a different way to tell the future. How about this stupid website about Omens?

I'm going to go through this list of omens and see how many of them have played a role in my life recently, and that should predict the outcome of tonight's Sharks game with 100% accuracy. Here we go:

Superstitions, Omens, and Beliefs...
"Things happen in three's" THEY REALLY DO!

"Three's" huh? We're off to A GREAT START!

ALL BELIEFS ARE LISTED ALPHABETICALLY:

That is handy. I like it when nonsense is organized.

ARROW - Symbol of desire and virility.
ARROW HEADS - Worn as an amulet to ward off evil.

As I write this I'm staring at my mouse cursor, which is an arrow. I don't see any evil around so I guess that part is working, but I'm not so sure about the other stuff.

BEES - Bearers of goodwill. symbol of virginity.

Bees are bearers of goodwill, except when they or their asshole cousins wasps are stinging you in the face.

Bees are symbols of virginity because no one will ever knowingly fuck a beekeeper.

BELLS - Symbolizes peace and non-violence. Used to ward off evil influences. Legend has it that demons cannot stand the sound of bells.
BALANCE - Symbolizes justice.

No hits here.

BORE - Symbolizes evil according to ancient Thebes.

Assuming this isn't talking about being bored, then I don't know what it means. I'll mark it down as a "no."

BROOM - If a broom falls in your home... unwelcome company will come to visit you.

I don't own a broom. Does a Swiffer count?

CATS - Cats worn on a broach or amulet bring good luck. A black cat crossing your path is considered bad luck.

There is a cat directly in my way as I try to type this. He's grey and not black so maybe this is a good omen?

CRACKS - Step on a crack, break your mothers back.

CRANE - Symbolic bird of the sun.

I'm inside. The floor is carpeted and crack-free, and I don't see any cranes in my living room. I'm too lazy to check the other rooms in my apartment though so who can say for sure?

CROSS-ROADS - Considered to be the ultimate place to do black magic.

Awesome.

DOG - A dog following you home is a good omen.
DOG HOWLING - A dog howling foretells the death of someone nearby.

Alright so it's cool if a dog follows you to your house but if it howls you're boned? Got it.

DOVE - The emblem of purity. A descending dove represents the Holy Spirit.
DRUMS - Symbols of fertility and sexuality.

I am neither a magician nor in a band, so there are no doves or drums around here.

EAGLE - Warn as an amulet it wards off harm.
EAGLE FEATHERS - Worn to bring prosperity.

I'M THE FUCKING EAGLE GOD.

EYE - symbolically represents intelligence and spirituality.

I can't see any eyes from where I'm sitting.

FIND MONEY ON THE GROUND - Good luck.

True story: this past weekend I went to the Legion of Honor in San Francisco. Near the museum there are some hiking trails that run along the coast and through some trees and stuff. I was hiking and I took one of the side trails and found three dollar bills, each stuck very prominently into cracks in the wooden posts that lined the trail.

There was no one else on this particular side trail. I can't for the life of me figure out what the money was doing there, stuck in the posts with no one watching it, but in the end I took the dollars because I couldn't think of a good reason not to. I consider this a very good omen.

FIND A PIN ON THE GROUND - Good luck.

Is it still good luck if you step on it?

FORK - If a fork falls in your home...welcome company will call.
GARLIC - Worn around the neck wards off vampires.
GOAT - In some cultures it symbolizes the devil.
HAND - Worn as an amulet it protects against evil.

Man, this shit is dumb.

HORSE SHOE - Brings good luck when displayed.
MOON - It is considered bad luck to point at the moon anytime.
MOON ECLIPSE - A bad omen of a foreshadowed evil force prevailing.
METEORITES - Falling to the earth is a good omen. The black stone held sacred by Moslems is thought to be from a meteorite.

"Moslems"? That seems offensive.

MIRRORS - To break a mirror is seven years bad luck.
OWL - A symbol of wisdom.
PALM - Symbolizes victory.

Sweet! I've got two of those palm things! Or...wait, does this mean the tree or the front of your hand? I'm so confused.

PIG - Good luck talisman for some, others consider it to be bad luck or taboo.
PINE CONE - A powerful protection amulet against evil forces.

The protection against evil forces provided by a pine cone amulet isn't worth the mockery you would get for being a doofus wearing a pine cone amulet.

PHOENIX - A legendary bird that represents resurrection.

Alright I'll remember that the next time I see a phoenix.

RAINBOW - To see a rainbow is good luck. Legend has it that there is a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow.
RABBITS FOOT - Prosperity and the ultimate good luck.
SALT - Carried to ward off evil.
SHOOTING STAR - When seeing a shooting star if you make a wish it will come true!
SKULL - Used as a warning sign and represents our mortality.

I hate the Internet.

SPIDER - If a spider lands on your clothes it is considered good luck.

What the fuck is this? Who wrote this list anyways, spiders?

THREE'S - Things happen in three's. And they do!

*makes the dismissive jerk-off motion...THREE TIME'S!*

TIKI - A Tiki is a good luck charm when worn.
TOAD - An amulet to protect you from the evil eye.
TRIANGLE - Symbol of life and the Holy Trinity.

Well this was a huge waste of time.

I'm going to go get some more wasps.

Prediction: Oh my god you guys I just realized that I found THREE dollar bills when I was hiking! THIS SHIT WAS ALL REAL! SHARKS WIN 3-2!!!