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San Jose Sharks Gameday: 5 Reasons I Hate the Kings

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The regular season ends with one last chance to indulge in hatred.

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How many of these guys do you think have seen each other's dicks?
How many of these guys do you think have seen each other's dicks?

I just hate the Kings so much! Here are five reasons why.

5. They're dirty.

Finally some people are waking up to what I've been saying for years: the Kings are a filthy, cheating, dirty, dangerous team. They are constantly engaging in dirty play and cheap hits, from their captain all the way down the roster, and they truly show no respect for the teams they're playing against or the game of hockey itself. Whether it's boarding, slashing, or actually stomping on someone, when it comes to the Kings there is no line they won't cross.

4. They won a Stanley Cup.

The Kings won a Stanley Cup too early in their existence. They should have had to suffer the pain of coming close and falling short for at least a few more seasons to really EARN the Cup and appreciate all that it means. The Cup win spoiled them and turned them into arrogant, entitled jackasses, and they won't shut up about it even though it happened a long time ago.

Although it is pretty hilarious that even though they won a Cup they still can't get anyone to go to their games.

3. Most of their players are huge jerks.

This goes beyond the aforementioned dirty play. A bunch of the Kings players are just assholes. They're constantly whining and complaining when they don't get their way, they are easily frustrated and act like petulant babies, and they even disrespect the fans and leave them hanging at fan-appreciation events. It's just disgraceful.

2. Their fans don't know anything about hockey.

If you're looking for the truth to the stereotype that Californians don't know anything about hockey, look no further than any place Kings fans gather. Most of these idiots barely know which end of a stick you're supposed to hit the ball with, let alone anything about Corsi, Fenwick, or other advanced stats. These jokers learned everything they know about hockey from some shitty movies in the 90s and now when you try to tell them anything else they just stick their fingers in their ears, wet their pants, and start crying.

1. They employed Chris Pronger.

This is the one unforgivable sin in hockey. The Kings had Chris Pronger on their roster, and that's a crime against humanity. Sure, he's gone now - although Corey Perry is still on the team, and he's no prince - but the taint of Pronger will forever hang over the Los Angeles Kings, no matter how much we all like Teemu Selanne.

Screw you, Kings! Screw your stupid ugly orange and gold and black uniforms, screw your stupid team name and ridiculous logo, screw your half-empty arena, screw your rich asshole racist Orange County fans, screw your lucky season and willful ignorance of how regression works, screw your dumb bald captain, your crappy young defenseman, and your dizzy goalie, screw Disneyland, the Angels, and the city of Anaheim!

You suck, Kings!

Next Game

San Jose Sharks
@ Los Angeles Kings

Saturday, Apr 27, 2013, 7:30 PM PDT

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Turn the goddam music up! My heart feels like an alligator!


I'm writing this on Friday, so I can't be sure exactly what the outcome of this game will mean for seeding the West, but I know that, with the Sharks and Kings tied in points, it definitely will mean SOMETHING. The Blues are going to be hard to catch for the 4th spot for either team, the Wild are right there too and could easily jump over the Sharks and Kings with victories in their final two games, and three-point games just make everything harder to predict.

It's very possible that the winner of this game will move into 4th or 5th and a likely first-round matchup with the Blues. The loser could finish 6th or 7th and face either the Canucks (booo) or the Ducks (hooray!).

Boy, this is exciting!

Prediction: Sharks lose 3-2, but really they win because that means they get to play the Ducks.

Take it from me, there's nothing like a job well done. Except the quiet enveloping darkness at the bottom of a bottle of Jim Beam after a job done any way at all.

My favorite book is Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas by Hunter S. Thompson. I've read it more times than any other book and it's great and if you don't like it then you're wrong.

I was in college when Hunter Thompson died and in my English class that day my old British professor talked about him and dismissed him as "not a great writer" and I wanted to fight that guy so bad.

I didn't fight him though.