God damn you, San Jose. 5 reasons why the Sharks are stupid, and gross, and why they'll never have any friends:
5. Employing the worst pieces of shit to ever play hockey
The Sharks, using the normal strategy that younger or struggling franchises call upon, employed the occasional goon to fill out the roster. However, as time went on and they proved to have talent in their organization, they moved on from this but kept one gigantic toilet chocolate around. This butt candy got away with so many illegal plays, it was just incredible to see what idiotic as fuck stunt he would pull next. But then the Sharks became infinitely better people when they finally traded his dumb ass away. Unfortunately, San Jose one upped themselves by bringing in even worse human beings, specifically this fudge floater. I don't know how Sharks fans live with themselves.
4. Only existing because of the Kings
A long time ago, the Kings gained relevancy outside of their faithful in L.A. when they traded for Wayne Gretzky. It made waves throughout the NHL, and opened up doors for markets that had never even dreamed of having professional hockey. Some of these markets realized decades earlier that they were doomed to fail, but Gretzky's impact with the Kings inspired another attempt. Sadly, this landed California another hockey team in a move that was pretty unnecessary. It still seems like an over-saturation of the local area, and here we are at the Battle of California, where this pointless franchise thrives. Whoopty-damn-doo. Meanwhile, shared revenues are getting strained on franchises like these punks, and the league as a whole seems pretty watered down. If I had my way, they'd be contracted before the next season started.
3. Where the hell do you even play?
There's plenty of big name cities throughout California that people around the world are aware of: Los Angeles, San Francisco, Oakland, San Diego, San Bernardino (for the meth, obviously). Yet these bunch of idiots went with some stupid hillbilly town no one has ever heard of. And the arena...Good lord what a joke. Sure the name may be some corporate partnership deal now, but everyone will always remember the ridiculous name and that moronic statue out front.
2. ALSO having Teemu fucking Selanne
That asshole has given the Kings problems ever since he moved into the same division. It was a pretty great day for us in Los Angeles to finally hear he was on his way out. Unfortunately, he stuck around like a bad case of herpes, after his stint in Denver, and was just as annoying as always. He may not have be as effective as he once was, but still, what an infuriating pain in the ass that guy has been. Plus, everyone knows he was best with his true team, the Winnipeg Jets. He can take his good looks and go die and be with Rudy in eternal bliss. Rudy, you lucky dog.
1. Emilio Esteves
God damn you Emilio. You and your god damn career couldn't get it's shit together in the slightest, but noooooooo. You wanted to be like Charlie and Martin and be a god damn actor. So instead you get thrown into a kid movie as a hockey coach, and are responsible for the worst crime against man since World War 2 (I speak of course about "Caesar and Cleopatra") bringing the damn movie to life with the Mighty Sharks of San Jose. No, not the San Jose Mighty Sharks, which is already stupid enough, but the Mighty Sharks OF San Jose. And no amount of name changing, or jersey redesigns are going to change this fact.
This movie, The Mighty Sharks, while harmless enough and possibly even enjoyable, about a drunk coach hanging out with kids to relive his glory days and meet some MILFS was in the wrong hands. You made this happen Emilio by being such a smarmy, even likable, scamp that gave Disney enough of a push to say, "Well shit guys, what happens if we made this into a real thing?"
"What? You mean like a league down here for kids coached by celebrities or washed up players?"
"No. I mean starting a franchise based around our movie that will be full of douchebags, assholes, and ham fuckers!"
You son of a bitch Emilio. Your brother, Joe, at least kept his shit awful and away from people. Imagine if Soultaker turned into a NFL franchise in Mobile, Alabama? So screw you Emilio. Your sequels, S2 and S3, were skull fuckingly awful also.
EAT SHIT AND DIE
I also saw Goldberg do a line of cocaine once.
For the last game of the season, there is still a bit of stock to put into this. Mostly because, as mentioned in an earlier post, I really don't want to face the Sharks again. There is an extremely high chance of me drinking myself to death during this series, and while you may be thinking, "But Dunn, just don't buy alcohol," that is hardly a concern. Rubbing alcohol, Drain-O, mescal again, nothing is off the table. Speaking of which, I think this table top cleaner could go well with some Sprite.
Being honest, the Kings have looked like garbage since even appearing like they were going to clinch a playoff spot. Once they did, the wheels stopped moving entirely, except against the Dallas Stars. This was mostly due to the joint efforts of 'Fuck you, Dallas'. I also mentioned how L.A. looks like trash closing out seasons. Well whaddya know, they are doing it again. I usually don't start reaching for the panic button following a couple of sub-par performances, but one glance at the advanced stats against Detroit last game, and oh banana hammock Christ, that was ugly. I am really hoping the are saving up for the playoffs again. Anyways, if it's the Canucks first, fine. St. Louis? Cool. But I already know how this is going to play out.
Prediction: The Kings will lose via a shootout to the Sharks, with Torres and Wiggles getting the goals, while St. Louis falls to Chicago in regulation. It will be the 5 seed Kings versus the 4 seed Sharks. I will then ingest 2 gallons of milk mixed with tequila (Infuego Horchata as I call it) and pray for the best. Wake me up in June.