clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

5 prominent hockey analysts who probably smoke crack

New, 162 comments

This gameday post is early - but I want to talk about this right now.

Pass me the crack, please.
Pass me the crack, please.
Robert Hanashiro-USA TODAY Sports

In case you haven't yet heard the greatest news story ever to come out of Canada, the mayor of Toronto, a Mr. Rob Ford, is ALLEGEDLY (but probably) a big fat crackhead. That's hilarious, especially since he's also a drunk homophobic racist conservative asshole.

More relevant to Battle of California, though, is the fact that according to the source of the video that supposedly shows the mayor smoking crack, the dealer who supplies Ford with his sweet sweet candy also sells to other famous people in the city of Toronto - including a "prominent hockey analyst."

Oh boy. You know what this means, right?

5 Prominent Hockey Analysts Who Probably Smoke Crack

#5 Jeremy Roenick

Smoking crack cocaine also can cause aggressive and paranoid behavior.


Jeremy's openness has often led to controversy. During the 2004–05 NHL lockout, he addressed certain fans that perceive NHL players as being spoiled. Roenick told these fans to "kiss my ass" and accused them of being jealous.

Roenick's penchant for stirring controversy also saw him claiming in 2006 that USA Hockey has "blackballed" him, and was being disrespectful by not including him on the American national team at the 2006 Winter Olympics in Turin, Italy. He claimed, "I'm a lot better player than my points indicate"; he had six goals and seven assists in 32 games when he made that comment.

In May 2009, Roenick claimed that Chris Chelios, then a member of the Detroit Red Wings, was receiving less playing time because Mike Babcock, Detroit's coach, was biased against American players. Chelios and Babcock dismissed the allegations, and stated that there was no tension between them.

So which is it, Jeremy? Do you smoke crack or are you just the world's biggest asshole?

#4 Pierre McGuire

Everybody knows Pierre McGuire is annoying as heck, but maybe we've all just been blind to his crippling crack dependency for all these years. It makes sense, if you think about it. Since long-term crack use can cause schizophrenic-like behavior, delusions, and hyper-sexuality, crack would help us understand stuff like this:

Game 1: Washington at New York. Broadcast Team: Mike "Doc" Emrick, Eddie Olczyk & Pierre McGuire

-- (Said this while screaming at the top of his lungs to the point where his voice cracked) "WE'RE SEEING A STAR BEING BORN RIGHT IN FRONT OF OUR EYES" - Pierre McGuire [I honestly had no idea who he was talking about.]

and this:

Get help, Pierre. We're worried about you.

#3 Everyone in the Professional Hockey Writers' Association

Anze Kopitar wasn't a finalist for the Selke? Tommy Wingels didn't win the Masterton last year? Patrick Kane is a Lady Byng finalist? Are you guys all on crack or something?


All of them.

#2 Don Cherry

This one is a no-brainer. Just as a poison arrow frog has brightly-colored skin to warn potential predators that it is toxic, Don Cherry wears his ridiculous outfits to make sure everyone knows that he is high as fuck, all day every day.

Honestly if we somehow had proof that Don Cherry DOESN'T smoke crack pretty regularly I believe that would raise more questions than it would answer.

#1 James Mirtle

James Mirtle is a member of the Professional Hockey Writers' Association, a group which has been linked in the press to drug use in the past. Even more damning than that is the fact that years ago Mirtle created an obscure hockey blog called "The Battle of California." Much of the content on the site shows clear signs of crack addiction among the authors, illustrators, and readers.

James Mirtle should be ashamed of himself.

Not for the crack-smoking though.

Next Game

Los Angeles Kings
@ San Jose Sharks

Saturday, May 18, 2013, 6:00 PM PDT
HP Pavilion

Buy San Jose Sharks Tickets !

Complete Coverage >

How about that last game, huh? Pretty wild!

Sometimes you just have to laugh, you know.

Or do LOTS of crack.

Prediction: I smoke crack to celebrate or I smoke crack to forget.