Who should we cheer for?

So, the Sharks lost. That sucked.

But life goes on, unfortunately. And so does hockey.

The final two rounds of the playoffs stand between us and the sweet oblivion of the off-season. There will be at least twelve more hockey games before a Cup champion is crowned, and if you're like me you're probably looking in dismay at the four teams left and trying desperately to summon some kind of enthusiasm for any of them.

Some people say that once their team is out of the playoffs, they don't care who wins. I'm not like that. I always find myself behind one team or another in each round, though the reasons why I support a particular team are often strange and nonsensical.

In 2012, I wanted the Kings to win because of a bet I had made with my coworker.

In 2011, I cheered for the Bruins because the Canucks beat the Sharks.

In 2010, I was rooting for the Flyers because the Blackhawks beat the Sharks.

Whenever the Red Wings are in the finals, I'm cheering for the other team. Same goes for the Stars and Ducks.

In general, I'll cheer for the team that hasn't won the Cup before, or hasn't won it for a while, since I like to see new champions. That's not going to work this year, so let's take a look at the teams that are left and examine why we should all be cheering for them - as well as why we shouldn't.

Pittsburgh Penguins

Points in favor:

• They score a bunch of goals, which is cool.
• They have some of the most talented offensive players in the world on their team.
• The game's best player, Sidney Crosby, SHOULD win a bunch of Stanley Cups.
• Jarome Iginla has a chance to win the Cup, and he's cool, right?
  
• Tomas Vokoun could steal the starting job from Marc-Andre Fleury if he plays the rest of the games, which would be funny.

Fleury is composing his suicide note in Word. Clippy pops up and says "Would you like me to teach you how to save?" Fleury weeps.

— Megalodon (@MegalodonBOC) May 8, 2013

Points against:

• Boy that Sidney Crosby has a bitch-face, doesn't he?
• Marc-Andre Fleury is an awful goalie and doesn't deserve to win anything ever again, even as a humiliated backup.
  
• Matt Cooke is almost as bad as Raffi Torres.
  
• They play in the far-inferior Eastern Conference.

Boston Bruins

Points in favor:

• Jaromir Jagr could win another Cup, and he's okay I guess.
• When Zdeno Chara lifts the Stanley Cup it brushes the rafters in the arena.
  
• It would be cool for the Bruins to win a Cup without that traitorous asshole Tim Thomas.
• Some bad stuff happened in Boston this year, and maybe a Cup win would make some people there happy.

Points against:

• Uggggggggggggggggh Boston.
• Milan Lucic and Brad Marchand are dicks.
• Jack Edwards is a dick too.
• Again, they play in the Eastern Conference, the most dickish of all the conferences.

Chicago Blackhawks

Points in favor:

• Uhhhhhhhhh
• Shit.

Points against:

• They're a bunch of spoiled, unlikable pricks.
• They don't have any true leadership on the whole roster.
  
• They barely beat the Red Wings. How can we possibly take them seriously?
  
• They're filthy lake-touchers.

Los Angeles Kings

Points in favor:

• California!
  
• It would be a big blow to those assholes who believe in the superiority of "traditional" hockey markets to have the first repeat champion in years be from Southern California.
• The Kings could probably do a pretty awesome Cup ceremony at next year's outdoor game.

Points against:

• They JUST won the damn thing.
  
• Jonathan Quick kind of seems like he might be an enormous asshole.
• Anze Kopitar is wanted for war crimes in his native Slovenia, and if he gets to lift the Cup again it's basically just like pissing on all those mass graves.
  
• Almost nobody in Los Angeles will actually care if they win, so from a strict Utilitarian ethical point of view it won't do much to maximize human happiness.

So, who should we cheer for?

I guess the Penguins?

You guess? I thought you were going to give us a definite answer!

Hey, I never made any promises!

Well you certainly implied it!

Whatever. Just leave me alone, okay?

Fine. I'll be glad to.

Good. Please do.

Prick.

Ass.