Since the beginning of time, the Kingdom of Los Angeles has long suffered under the greed of the Eastern Empire. The East had vast amounts of wealth and power, yet the good King ruling in the west had always remained isolated and reliant on his own people to keep stability in his jurisdiction. Yet times were good for the kingdom for a while. The fabled Cup of Stanley had come under their possession, but it had made rivaling neighbors ever more jealous. War had broken out, and now things were grim for the King and his realm of Los Angeles. That was until one day in the sleepy hamlet of Playa de Manhattan where one boy would change everything forever.
Alec had never been one to draw attention to himself. He was a quiet lad, who worked hard, but who knew his place wasn't amongst the larger boys in his village like Dewey. Dewey was the hope of his hometown, a young lad whose strength and skill with a stick were the envy of the region. Even if he was sort of a braggart. But Alec didn't mind. He just went about his day-to-day under the view of his father, Willie.
Willie had once been a lot like Dewey, but his days had gone, and his knees ached terribly. Still, he taught the younger boys in the area all he knew about defending the land, Alec as well, though the rest all went off to serve the King. Not Alec though. That was until a steward of the King arrived.
Alec was out enjoying the nice weather in Playa de Manhattan when he saw the man. He was older, with a pinched look, where it looked like he was eating his own face.
"Yup, you," muttered the steward. "Gettin' the call. Has to. Yup."
Alec looked on confused. Willie strode up next to the pinched faced man, and wore his serious look.
That's the one
"Alec," Willie started, "Times are desperate for the King. The realm is under siege."
Alec couldn't believe it. "But Papi, from who?"
"Dem Blue Bastards. Tough guys, them. Yup, really tough. Grind it out style of war out there," said the steward.
"This man here is Lord Darryl. He needs every able-bodied lad in the land to help defend," Willie told him. "I know you are ready."
Alec adjusted his poncho. "I don't know Papi. But what about Dewey, and Scuds? Are you sure they can't stop them? What about you?"
Willie sighed. "It hasn't been enough. And you know I am in no shape to help. It is your time Alec."
So Alec readied for his travels to the battle lines. He put on his most durable sombrero, saddled his mule, Penner, and departed with Lord Darryl. Darryl didn't speak much during their trek. Every time Alec asked what he would be doing for the defense, the only answers given were curt and vague.
"Keep em on the outside", "Fast counters", and "Take hits, make a play" were all Alec seemed to get.
Finally, they arrived. The castle of Staple loomed large ahead of them, bigger than Alec had even dreamed.
"Dios mio!" blurted Alec.
"Yup. Big place. Lots of energy. Lots of noise," replied Darryl.
"Hee-haw", said Penner.
Alec tied Penner up in the stables, and entered the barracks with Lord Darryl. The barracks were packed already, and Alec wondered how he was even going to have space to himself. Without stopping, Darryl pointed at an empty locker tucked away in a corner and told Alec, "You", and left. Alec plopped down in his newly assigned locker, and removed his sombrero. Just then a pale looking largemouth bass with bad facial hair appeared.
"Hey bud, you new right?" said the bass. Alec was stunned to see it was really a person. "I'm Captain Elbows, I'll be leading your squad," the fuzzy white fish guy continued.
"Si," replied Alec nervously, fidgeting with his poncho.
"Sick poncho, man. I'll see if I can get one in black for ya. Anyways, once you're out there, the best thing to do is to follow my lead. These Blue Bastards are some mean mothers, so if you can trick em by falling over, maybe playing dead, go for it."
Alec could only nod. What had he gotten into? Suddenly, a horn blew and all the men in the barracks leaped up, grabbing their helms, gloves, and war sticks. Captain Elbows hauled Alec up by his poncho and slapped a helm on him.
"No time to go over anything else, these flyover realm boys are back. They already took two battles from us, and we can't afford to drop one here," shouted the elbow fish as he rushed off.
Alec threw on his sombrero over his helm and hurried back to the stables. Penner was busy munching on oats, and Alec had to drag him way before saddling up. Penner grunted irritatedly. It wasn't long before Alec saw the battle at hand between the King's men and the Blue Bastards. Then he saw the biggest, bluest monster he had ever seen.
The blue monster roared and charged over the defenders.
"BEHOLD THE WRATH OF THE SAINT OF LOUIS," bellowed the beast. "I AM BACKES AND WE HATE JEWS. AND PROBABLY HISPANICS ALSO."
Before Alec could do anything, Penner took off right for the abomination calling itself Backes. Alec held on to the saddle for dear life and readied his war stick. Backes didn't even see him coming, and Alec struck him square in the side. Backes went down and Penner galloped right over him.
"GAH, RIGHT IN THE BLUE BERRIES!" howled Backes.
The King's men and Blue Bastards alike stood, stunned at the spectacle for just a second, until the Kings rallied. The Blues of Saint Louis scattered before them. The battle was over and the lands of the west had turned the tide in their favor...for the time being. Alec was carried off on their shoulders.
"Hooray for the 3rd pairing defenseman!" they cheered. "His Corsi shall be remembered until the end of time!"
"Hee-haw", said Penner.
Jesus Christ. Now you all know what I work on when I'm stuck on flights. And on acid.
Prediction: Battle of California is immediately dropped from SB Nation.