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Los Angeles Kings Gameday: The Comparables

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Time to make comparisons. What else did you think this post was going to be about?

This marks the 100th time I have used this photo
This marks the 100th time I have used this photo
Jonathan Daniel

As the Kings and Blackhawks get ready to faceoff for the second time, I figured a quick rundown of these teams' main matchups may be in order. They're both younger, recent champions, and knowing your enemy is important.

Anze Kopitar vs Jonathan Toews


These two centers are excellent two-way players (though a certain Slovenian deserves far more recognition for it) that are also leaders with their organizations. More importantly, their names are fucking weird to pronounce. While first looking at Kopitar's name, it seems like it should be pronounced "AHNS" or "AHN-ZEE". Nope. "AHN-ZHJAY". You see, Slovenians throw the letter "j" into pronunciation every other word. So "Anze Kopitar scored a goal" becomes "Ahnzhjay Kopitar Scjored a gojal". Or something like that. What do I look like, some nerdy phonetics professor?

Jonathan Toews meanwhile one-ups Kopitar (sometimes pronounced "KOBI-DOR", by the way) in insane pronunciation. "Toes"? "Toos"? Nope. "Taves". There is no sign of an "a" or "v" anywhere nearby, and this crazy prepubescent Amish guy has a name that must have been developed after a meth binge. Or he's got Eastern European blood in him. Which he does. But he probably still does meth also.

Jonathan Quick vs Corey Crawford

Rudy pointed out something very interesting the other day communicating from the afterlife (via Twitter, the new age Ouija Board) that Corey Crawford is actually pretty old. A full year older than Jonathan Quick, in fact, with only half none of the accomplishments. Crawford wasn't exactly a part of the 2010 Cup winning Blackhawks, and his only hardware included the team award of lowest goals against average this season (though he still has to split that with Ray Emery).

Quick meanwhile is an All-Star, Vezina finalist (which he should have won), and a Cup winning Conn Smythe goaltender. He also cures the ill, raises the dead, and pounds beer before speeches like a real champion. However, he cannot stick handle worth a damn.


God dammit, Quick.

Drew Doughty vs Duncan Keith

Both these defensemen were Norris finalists (though Doughty deserved it more), and are exceptionally skilled in both ends of the ice. They also are both masochists apparently. Keith gave an interview calling a female reporter, and I quote,

"a dumb bimbo that doesn't have the mental capacity to vote, and who should be back in the kitchen."

I may have paraphrased. Comparably, Doughty was accused of rape. Okay, so that may be a bit more severe of an accusation. Turns out though, he didn't rape anyone (besides the Blackhawks on this play! HEY-OH!), and turns out Duncan Keith is just kind of an asshole with bad tact, rather than a sexist.

Jarret Stoll vs Marian Hossa


These players really have nothing in common other than the fact Raffi Torres doled out concussions liberally to both of them like Duncan Keith doling out insensitive remarks. Except that Stoll is already back in action a couple of weeks later, whereas Hossa was comatose for a while. What a pussy.

Dustin Brown vs Patrick Kane


Both these guys are talented American wingers that you love to have on your team and would hate if they were on any other. Brown has been a player that has always played on the edge. He routinely is one of the top hitters in the league year after year, and has only once gotten popped for a suspension. Even then, it was mostly because Jason Pominville is an idiot that doesn't know how to skate. The Kings' captain also has a penchant for drawing penalties, which of course draws more ire from other teams' fans. Dustin is really just kind of a big dope, like a dog that doesn't realize how big he really is.

Patrick Kane meanwhile is an angry, petulant little shit. He gets obnoxiously drunk, then will do either one of two things: 1) Either punch you over a dollar and change, or 2) Try to get you pregnant. What sort of asshole does that as a publicly recognizable professional athlete?



Kane though is more of bully. Like the ones you know as a kid, where they are a foot shorter than everyone else yet still go around acting like hot shit, insulting everyone. Calling you "Faggy" and stealing your homework...fuck that guy. Brown and Kane are like Lenny and Curly from Of Mice and Men.

Myself vs Andrew Shaw

I was shocked to find out that my post about Chicago and their stupid as fuck lake and other lesser bodies of water, was met not with critical acclaim, but with hatred and disdain from Chicagoans (otherwise known as "Lardies"). Now if I am to take the spot of Jarret Stoll as most hated man in Chicago, then I will gladly pester them.


However, Chicago possesses one of the worst human beings in the NHL. Andrew Shaw. Shaw is a deplorable piece of shit according to everyone in Detroit. And why would Detroit lie?


Right, Sharks? (Now including Dave Bolland as enemy of the state, apparently)

Alec Martinez vs Brandon Saad


Both of these guys are threats to America. Except everyone loves Alec.

Next Game

Los Angeles Kings
@ Chicago Blackhawks

Sunday, Jun 2, 2013, 5:00 PM PDT
United Center

Complete Coverage >

Los Angeles Kings tickets

The Kings continued their streak of looking like hot garbage on the road and in weekend day games. I'd point out flaws they had in game one, but this post is long enough already. I'm pretty sure god kills kittens when someone commits a no-look backhand pass, and yesterday's game must have resulted in a holocaust.

At the time of writing this, there's been a lot of talk, but nothing official, surrounding the hit by Dave Bolland on Mike Richards near the end of the game. On replays (and pretty obviously in real-time even) it looks like Bolland lept going into the hit. It may not have been intentional to catch Richards high (ignoring that Bolland jumped), except that it at least appeared to be a charge. The NHL may take a look, and then again they may not. The Kings can't get too hung up on that, and hopefully they rebound, instead of standing around watching the spectacle that is Jonathan Quick.

Prediction: Shaw got away with a slew foot that took a guy out completely, while the play was dead. I don't really expect anything for Bolland after a charge and leap that Richards got up from. Playoff justice, you know. Anyways, game on a Sunday at 5 west coast time? That spells trouble. As does being on the road. Kings come out flat again.

UPDATE - Lakes remain a lesser body of water