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A Day in the Life of Marc-Andre Fleury

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What does Fleury do all day during the off-season?

Fleury blows.
Fleury blows.

Tonight the Pittsburgh Penguins play game three of their series against the Boston Bruins. The Penguins are already down 2-0 and haven't even played a road game in the series yet. It's not looking good for Pittsburgh, and a certain segment of Penguins fans know exactly what the problem is:

That's right! The Penguins would have already won this damn series if they had been smart enough to start their STANLEY CUP WINNING, GOLD MEDALIST, PROVEN PLAYOFF PERFORMER GOALIE, Marc-Andre Fleury!


But they aren't going to start him in game three, so they'll probably lose the game and the series. It's a damn shame.

Since Fleury and the rest of the Penguins will soon be facing the bleak and bitter off-season, it's a good time to take a look at how an all-star goaltender spends his summer days off from hockey.


6:00 AM: Fleury's alarm clock goes off. Fleury reaches over to hit the snooze button. It takes him eleven tries before he is successful.

7:00 AM: Fleury gets up and takes a shower. Somehow, every single drop of water gets past his body and ends up behind him. He emerges after ten minutes, perfectly dry.

7:15 AM: Fleury takes two minutes to brush his teeth. He gives up three goals during this time.

7:45 AM: Fleury eats breakfast, a bowl of Cheerios. He imagines the Cheerios are tiny little hockey pucks, and feels pretty good about how few of them end up flying past him.

8:00 AM: Fleury asks his wife to toss him the car keys. She does, and the keys somehow hit Fleury in the back of the head.

8:30 AM: Fleury arrives at his off-season job as head of border security between the United States and Mexico.

12:05 PM: While on his lunch break, Fleury checks the balance of his bank account. He is once again frustrated by his inability to save more.

12:15 PM: Fleury visits the Burger King drive-thru. The cashier hands him his food, which Fleury immediately drops onto the ground.

12:30 PM: Fleury steers his car into on-coming traffic, hoping to end his life. Every single car ends up missing him.

1:36 PM: Fleury gets mad when his coworkers make fun of him for wearing his gold medal every day.

3:00 PM: Fleury goes home early.

4:55 PM: Fleury practices playing goalie.

4:57 PM: Dinner time!

5:30 PM: Fleury attempts to relax by playing some Skyrim on his XBOX, only to find that the last time he played he forgot to save.

5:31 PM: Fleury throws the XBOX controller at the television. The controller somehow hits him in the back of the head.

5:35 PM: Fleury goes to the garage, pulls out a gun, and again tries to kill himself. All of the bullets miss him and do serious damage to the car behind him.

9:07 PM: Fleury has sex with his wife, but is pulled and replaced by Tomas Vokoun after only a few minutes.

10:45 PM: After a long and exhausting day, Fleury tries to catch some Zs. He misses all of them.