I sent these questions out via carrier pigeon to reach Mr. Ryan Dunn at his shack on the edge of the Salton Sea. The carrier pigeon didn't return, but I found the answers written on a piece of toilet paper that was stuck to my door with a knife.
The ink used to write the answers looked suspiciously like pigeon blood.
Question 1: What worries you the most about the Kings this season?
1: The biggest worry I have is accepting Daniel "Gorilla Salad" Carcillo. Despite the wishes of seemingly everyone ever, Carcillo is still likely to be in the NHL, and unfortunately for L.A., he's with us. The Kings depth on the left wing is pretty shitty, and it has been since Alexander Frolov left. Thus we turn to fourth liners like Kyle Clifford, ape-people like Dwight King, and shitbags like Carcillo. The worst part is I think, "Well, maybe he's not gonna play like the Tasmanian Devil from Looney Toons on PCP", but deep down I know I am lying to myself. I hate myself for it. He's a jerk-off and he makes me look wholesome. I can't lord over the San Jose folks anymore that they have a human turd on their roster with Raffi Torres. Carcillo's not really that good at hockey, yet I got excited that he made a centering pass during a fucking preseason game to convince myself he's not that bad. It's horrible. I think he has potential as the LW2.
Question 2: Do you think the new division will help or hurt the Kings?
2: Dallas left the Pacific (which is good from a geographical perspective because they're a thousand miles away from the Pacific Ocean), and three new whipping boys showed up being Vancouver, Calgary, and Edmonton. Vancouver's delightfully on the decline, and the Oilers still sort of suck, whereas Calgary is about as effective a hockey team as a fat kid with Crohn's disease is as effective at being popular at summer camp. The Kings, Sharks, and Ducks should be ecstatic they get to play these guys more often. So in terms of helping the Kings make the playoffs, I think the new division helps. However, I think the Kings are at a point of potentially being playoff regulars, so it doesn't really matter. And of course now it means more than likely match-ups against the Sharks or Ducks in the playoffs and I am not in good health, which means I may die. I don't like these divisions. Fuck Arizona.
Question 3: Who do you like better: Me or Jer?
3: Jer and I both joined the Battle of California at the same time and the blog took a nose dive since then. It's been fun. But ever since Jer squirted out a kid, he has been really distant and inattentive to my needs. Now's your chance to move, Meg.