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Kings Gameday: 2014 Announcements!

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The most important thing to happen in 2014

Dustin Brown viciously attacking the goal post
Dustin Brown viciously attacking the goal post
Jeff Gross

Have you felt like your voice isn't being heard where it matters most? That your opinions don't matter? Well, they probably don't. However, here at the Battle of California I am trying out some of that crazy democracy stuff I have heard so much about. And now you, the idiots, can make a difference here at the world's number one satirical state-centric hockey blog. And it's with the biggest topics we know: Jerks!

Who's the biggest jerk in the NHL? Corey Perry? Dustin Brown? The ghost of Chris Pronger? It's all up to you! Exciting, right? So starting today, each of the 30 NHL teams will have a few players you could vote for that YOU hate the most! What can I say? I'm a man of the people. So get ready for the first annual Jerk-Off 2014! Today will feature the best team in the NHL devoid of color on their jerseys, the Los Angeles Kings! The complete schedule is below.

Date Team
Thu Jan 2, 2014 Kings
Sat Jan 4, 2014 Canucks
Tue Jan 7, 2014 Wild
Thu Jan 9, 2014 Bruins
Sat Jan 11, 2014 Red Wings
Mon Jan 13, 2014 Rangers
Thu Jan 16, 2014 Blues
Sat Jan 18, 2014 Predators
Mon Jan 20, 2014 Devils
Tue Jan 21, 2014 Blue Jackets
Thu Jan 23, 2014 Ducks
Sat Jan 25, 2014 Islanders
Mon Jan 27, 2014 Sharks
Tue Jan 28, 2014 Senators
Thu Jan 30, 2014 Penguins
Sat Feb 1, 2014 Flyers
Mon Feb 3, 2014 Blackhawks
Thu Feb 6, 2014 Stars
Wed Feb 26, 2014 Avalanche
Thu Feb 27, 2014 Flames
Sat Mar 1, 2014 Hurricanes
Mon Mar 3, 2014 Canadiens
Thu Mar 6, 2014 Jets
Sun Mar 9, 2014 Oilers
Mon Mar 10, 2014 Lightning
Thu Mar 13, 2014 Maple Leafs
Sat Mar 15, 2014 Sabres
Mon Mar 17, 2014 Coyotes
Thu Mar 20, 2014 Capitals
Sat Mar 22, 2014 Panthers
Mon Mar 24, 2014 Wild Card
Tue Mar 25, 2014 Avery Division
Thu Mar 27, 2014 Shanahan Division
Sat Mar 29, 2014 Roy Division
Mon Mar 31, 2014 Pronger Division
Wed Apr 2, 2014 Eastern Conference Semis
Thu Apr 3, 2014 Western Conference Semis
Sat Apr 5, 2014 Eastern Conference Finals
Wed Apr 9, 2014 Western Conference Finals
Thu Apr 10, 2014 FINALS
Sat Apr 12, 2014 WINNERS!

See? Very official.

So instead of my pathetic game recaps that I attempt at the end of each post, you'll get a brief summary of the nominees for the biggest jerk. I'll simply be your right hand man in reaching a climactic decision. There will be a representative from each team, a wild card round (just like the NHL, because I stay up on trends), divisional match-ups, all that fun crap that's like a league. Except you get to participate! If no one votes (which is a huge possibility) I choose the winner and I will bore you to tears. It's in your hands, so don't fuck this up, assholes. Also, if you don't like the guys I choose, list your own preference. This is really just a ploy to get more comments.

Next Game

Los Angeles Kings
@ St. Louis Blues

Thursday, Jan 2, 2014, 5:00 PM PST
Scottrade Center

Complete Coverage >

So for the L.A. Kings here's your nominees for The Jerk-Off 2014:

Daniel Carcillo

Daniel "Gorilla Salad" Carcillo has long been one of the most hated figures in the NHL. It's slightly diminished lately since he has joined the Blackhawks and now the Kings, mostly because he doesn't play much anymore. He's a noted pest, and occasional dirty hitter. He also tweets about being knuckles deep into a female and asking about daddy issues. Plus, he looks fucking disgusting.

Dustin Brown

I never got this. Never. Why do people hate Dustin so much? I can only assume it's because he plays so hard and is loved by so many.

Drew Doughty

Doughty is a bit of a trash-talker. He's made jacking-off motions towards opponents and really just comes across as smug from time to time. He's also young, talented, and really rich. What a jerk.

Ben Scrivens

Not your first pick? Not surprising. Yet Scrivens is one of those elitist, pretentious douche bags that went to Cornell while the rest of us got stuck over at Ithaca. I can't believe this guy. Cornell? You prick. Also, TED Talks are for nerds.

Prediction: Kings keep losing because, hey, why not?

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