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Wha' happened?

"Oh what's that over there? A goal? No? Figures"
"Oh what's that over there? A goal? No? Figures"
Christian Petersen

Hi everyone, I'm still sick, so I'm going to keep this brief.

The Kings can't score.

Well, see ya later.

Next Game

Pittsburgh Penguins
@ Los Angeles Kings

Thursday, Jan 30, 2014, 7:30 PM PST

Complete Coverage >

Dammit, fine. Yes it is clear the Kings are in a scoring slump. Through fever dreams and taking a shitload of cold medicine however, I have come up with a few ideas to turn things around for them. So, yeah, here.

  1. Move Mike Richards to the wing. Richards has been getting worked over at the pivot, and while he fits the role of two-way playmaker, try something different. It can't get work. Jeff Carter has proven to be decent defensively, try him. Or something. Pass the cough syrup.
  2. Put Tyler Toffoli in the top six. Why in the Christ would you play him with Colin Fraser and Jordan Nolan? That's a role for physical guy, not a shooter. I'd say put him with Kopitar so he gets some actual chances to score. Nyquil is a helluva drink.
  3. Use plastic sticks. You know, like cheap kid street hockey sticks. Those are lighter. The Kings are slow. Now they can go faster. Problem solved.
  4. Go back to the purple jerseys. I just like those better. And this cold medicine is purple also.
  5. Dunk more. More clutch hitting. Work on the short game.
  6. Holy glaucoma, Batman, this is good stuff. You know they call dextromethorphan "Poorman's PCP"? Whoo boy.
  7. Scuderi is number seven.
  8. I forget what eight was for.
  9. This is the number nine.
  10. Pray for goals.

Jerk-Off 2014

First off, congratulations to Meg for making it to the next round of the Jerk-Off. I'll have Torres up for a spot also. Secondly, today's team is the Penguins. We don't see the Penguins a whole lot, less so with that lockout last year, so it's sort of tough to choose jerks. The Penguins are a weird case since they have some higher profile guys that a lot of people don't like because they are pretty talented but also whiny. For example: Sidney Crosby and Evgeni Malkin. Rudy broke down why Crosby is unlikable a while back, and Malkin is one of those petulant sneaky guys.

Sidney Crosby

Here's a good summary of why Crosby made this list as a candidate.

Evgeni Malkin

He also looks like if Anze Kopitar was less raccoonish and more Hayden Christensenish.

Chris Kunitz

Olympian Chris Kunitz. This guy. Jesus, Canada...

James Neal

I had a tough time debating whether or not to put Neal on this list. On one hand, he kneed a guy in the head. On the other hand, it was Brad Marchand. Soooooo, your call.