The U.S.A. hockey team is...different. It's not a bad team overall, I guess. There's some real talent on the wings, good size in the bottom six, and probably the best bunch of goalies only outside of maybe Finland. However, the depth at center is pretty weak, and the defense, well, sucks. Really, it's not surprising. The selection group was led by the general manager of Nashville after all. Nashville. When was the last time they fucking won anything?
So it came to pass that there were some bizarre names on the roster, and when the details came out about the selection process people weren't happy. Yeah, I can get that having Cam Fowler on your team would make anybody upset. The popular opinion is that the two biggest names left out were Bobby Ryan and Keith Yandle. But were they really?
Nope, the biggest names left out were Trevor Lewis and Alec Martinez.
THE CASE FOR TREVOR LEWIS
Trevor Lewis is a champion. He's a story of hard work and determination. Also, I had a dream that he would be a great fit for team U.S.A. He's a top penalty killer and shutdown center. His creativity is boundless. The United States lacks a true number one center. Ryan Kesler? Cry-baby. Derek Stepan? Please. Joe Pavelski? Trevor Lewis showed his sorry punk-ass what was up last post-season. When you are going up against the behemoths like a Zetterberg, Crosby, or Datsyuk you need a Lewis.
THE CASE FOR ALEC MARTINEZ
He's magic. He wins. He's can play either side. He provides ethnic flair. Don't believe me? You should. The Kings are an absolute mess without Martinez in the lineup. He's won a Stanley Cup. What have Faulk, Carlson, Shattenkirk, and Fowler won? Nothin'. Unless you count the "Who's that?", "You mean Mike Green?", "That can't be his real name!", or the "#CamSucks" awards. If Martinez was on the roster I would guarantee that the United States of America would be champions of the world. Not just in hockey, but everything. But they blew it.
My team U.S.A.
Chris Kreider - Trevor Lewis - Cam Atkinson
Nick Foligno - Alex Galchenyuk - Justin Abdelkader
Adam Banks - Little Tommy Wingels - Andy the Jet
Dustin Brown - Mike Brown - J.T. Brown
Now you have a scrappy bunch of forwards that are solid two-way players, are physical, and are pretty fast. I think there are shades of the 1980s team here.
Alec Martinez - Seth Jones
Mark Stuart - Jacob Trouba
Matt Carle - Matt Greene
Size and skill. That's what America is all about [tries to start Ford pickup truck, backfires].
Ghost of Rudy
Obvious choices, I know.
Saturday, Jan 4, 2014, 7:00 PM PST
Today we have the Vancouver Canucks. I know it's very hard to limit the group of candidates, but I tried. Again, feel free to use the "someone else" option and mention who in the comments if you got a better idea. If you didn't vote for the Kings' jerk, go do so. Here's the selections I made available.
Bieksa is a real Canuck, through and through. He whines, dives, and takes cheap shots with the best of them. He doesn't leap to the forefront compared to the guys below, but I would easily say he is my least favorite defenseman in the league. I will admit, the time he put snow on the blade of his stick and put it up to Mike Richards's nose was pretty funny (because cocaine addiction).
If Burrows doesn't make it through this round, I am putting him in the wild card round regardless of how many votes he receives. He's one of the most renowned pests in the league, and has all of his success from riding along with the Sedins. Also, he bit a guy.
There are a lot of divers in the NHL, yet Kesler may just be the league leader in obvious flops. Dustin Brown, could make a compelling case, but then there's this.
I easily could have chosen another player (the Sedins, Kassian, Edler, Sestito, Alberts) but Torts...Torts is a passionate guy. Which is a nice way to say "fucking crazy". Screaming about most everything, and bitching about everything else, Tortorella also has thrown numerous players of his under the bus as well. Vincent Lecavalier, Carl Hagelin, and Roberto Luongo (though who hasn't at this point?) for a few examples. Plus, he has a tendency of chewing out any member of the media who catches him on a bad day, which is pretty often.
Prediction: Trevor Lewis scores a hat trick. Then I sprout wings and take off with Emma Watson.