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Sharks Gameday: An Open Letter to Joe Thornton

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Ditch the zeroes and get with the heroes, Joe

I'm out of here, losers!
I'm out of here, losers!
Ezra Shaw

To Mr. Joe Thornton:

Hi, Rudy Kelly here. You probably know who I am. Anywho, just wanted to send you a invitation that I know you've been hoping to get for a long, long time.

Joe Thornton, I'd like to cordially invite you to join the Los Angeles Kings.

Now, Joe, I know you're excited. Hopefully your tears of joy haven't washed out the rest of this letter. I'm sure the chance to leave the hellish landscape that is San Jose is what you've always wished for. But, in the remote, miniscule chance that your years in San Jose have left you blind to the opportunities out there, I'd like to highlight a few of the many, many reasons you should sign with the Kings this off-season:

1) It's Los Angeles

Uh, yeah.

2) You'll No Longer Have To Carry The Load

It must be tough being you, Joe. I can't imagine how hard it must be for you, to have to wake up knowing that you're going to have to carry a bunch of untalented boobs around every day. Imagine, instead of having to be the best player on your team, you could be safely ensconced at 7th or 8th best?

Instead of playing with a diving crybaby like Logan Couture you could be playing with Dustin Brown.

Instead of playing with an ugly hulking manchild like Brent Burns you could be playing with Dwight King.

Instead of playing with an overrated goalie like Antti Niemi you could be playing with Jonathan Quick.

And the center depth, Joe, my god the center depth! Instead of carrying the burden of #1 center with trash behind you, you'd get to enjoy the wonders of being a winger alongside Jarret Stoll. Imagine! Jarret Stoll! Do I even need to say more?

3) We have a Great "Alternative Lifestyle" Scene In Los Angeles

Speaking of no longer having to carry the load...

(*wink wink)

4) A Chance To Finally Be A Winner

Let's face it, Joe: you're a loser. That's okay. Lots of people are losers. It's not really your fault; you can't possibly be expected to win when you're saddled with your handicap.

But deep down, don't you have a desire to be a winner? Don't you want to have a remote chance to win a championship? You can't get that in a suburb. You need a big city, where you can interact with real fans who will make you feel like a winner. Plus you wouldn't have to be clutch because the Kings have lots of real hockey players like Anze Kopitar and Drew Doughty who can be clutch for you.

I'm reminded of a cautionary tale that I saw as a child about a boy named Adam Banks. He was a cool rich kid that was forced to play with losers. At first he was rightfully disgusted, but eventually he forgot that he was better than them. In the third film of this sad saga, he was given the opportunity to play with winners but he declined the opportunity, resigning himself to loserdom for the rest of his life. Don't be Adam Banks, Joe. Be a winner.

4) No Patrick Marleau

No more invitations to play laser tag, no more panicked calls because Patrick accidentally swallowed his wife's birthday control pill, no more Patrick Marleau. Wouldn't that be glorious?

5) La Brea Tar Pits

As a mammoth that moves like he's covered in tar, I think you'll find yourself right at home here.

6) Better Beer & Wine

Wouldn't it be great to drink quality beer like the beers from Stone, Smog City Brewing & The Bruery instead of swill like Firestone, Lagunitas & Lost Coast? Not to mention that you'll finally be able to visit the best wine country in California: Temecula! I'd highly recommend it.

Hopefully you're now more than convinced. I look forward to working with you, Joe. You won't be able to wear your #19 here (too soon after Kevin Westgarth left) but I'm sure you'll look great in # 78 or #99 or something. See you soon!

Your Dear Friend,

Rudimus P. Kelly

Next Game

San Jose Sharks
@ Nashville Predators

Tuesday, Jan 7, 2014, 5:00 PM PST
Bridgestone Arena

Complete Coverage >

From Meg:

Video Gamery: My 39th-favorite video game is Clive Barker's Undying. It combined an innovative first-person shooter game with a fantastic horror plot from Clive Barker. You can watch the trailer here.

P.S.: I know I promised in my previous gameday post that the person taking over for me for the next three games wouldn't be Rudy. Sorry about that. I guess I lied.

Prediction: I fuck Dustin Brown.