Kings Gameday: Team Slovenia

Earlier this week, Anze Kopitar was shockingly named to the Slovenian national hockey team. While he is in fact having a pretty good year, Anze's dad, Matjaz (which translates to English as Jazzy Matt), is the coach so it was some pretty clear nepotism in play. Good for Kopitar though. The rest of the team is pretty stacked also, and I could see Slovenia acting as a dark horse to medal. The roster released Monday featured some of the biggest names in hockey. Not to mention the most feared.

You may disagree, but those who have seen the Slovenians in action know. It's a team brought forth from the deepest cracks of the earth to unleash Hell. Think Kopitar is a monster? They laugh at his pathetic attempts of ferocity in his homeland. Gasper, his brother, has actually been banned from international play because there was reportedly thirty heart attacks in the crowd after he made eye contact with fans. International ice hockey officials were finally able to banish Gasper to the hell-scape of Ontario, California. Matjaz's response was just evil cackling. Here's the rundown of who all to look out for when Slovenia storms Sochi.

Tomas Razinger, FORWARD

Hailing from parts unknown, he was assigned Slovenia as his home country after just breathing heavily when IIHF officials went to gather personal information from him. Any further attempts to interview Razinger have been dissuaded ever since a crew from the Swedish media outlet, Viasat, turned up dead and mutilated in a pit outside of Novo Mesto when they went to search for him. Little else is known about Razinger, though teammates report he is a very good passer and has a great team first attitude.

Rok Tičar, FORWARD

A survivor of the plague outbreak in the 1800s, "The Rok" is a disfigured giant of a man, with parts of his flesh rotted away. He has lived on the outskirts of the city of Kranj for generations, where the citizens leave a sacrificial mare every few days to appease Tičar. Rok also provides natural defensive accumen that the Slovenian team deems invaluable, and his favorite hockey player is Jaromir Jagr.

Blaž Gregorc, DEFENSE

Gaining renown and fame in the later part of the 90s, Gregorc was first seen pulling pedestrians off the various traffic bridges in Maribor's Radjavne district during the early hours of the morning. Every attempt to capture Gregorc at the bridges proved futile as he was able to climb underneath the bridges until authorities gave up. Ever since then, bodies have shown up hanging from the bridges by their entrails each sunrise, creating a disturbing and disgusting atmosphere every day in Maribor. Additionally, he offers some offensive punch from the blueline.

David and Marcel Rodman, FORWARD(s)

A two-headed monstrosity developed from the DNA of a former NBA player Dennis Rodman and a large vampire bat. When not playing professional ice hockey this beast of Satan roosts in the various roofs of castles throughout Slovenia. Rumors are that many tourist disappearances in the country are attributed to Rodman, but have never been confirmed since the remains have never been discovered. Rodman reportedly demands three children to devour between periods, which the team is happy to accommodate to seeing as Rodman provides a high energy, physical style of game important to the team mentality.

Ales Music, FORWARD

This was all I could find on this "Ales Music": Established in 1990 in Seoul, South Korea, Ales Music has been an industry leader in the music industry. Distributing records internationally for over 19 years, the business has expanded into recording and journalistic endeavors. Feel free to contact their main office at 82-(0)2-701-7272 to get in touch WITH HELL.

Sabahudin Kovacevic, DEFENSE

A man whose name makes no sense and is so long it drives anyone attempting to write it go insane and bite their own wrists until a vein is severed. Don't worry, I copy-pasted it.

Robert Kristan, GOALIE

A veteran of numerous international tournaments, he will be called on often to keep Slovenia in games.

Jerk-Off 2014!

Matt Cooke was the clear winner for the Wild, but today we feature another bunch of jerks that should be neck-and-neck in voting. There's a few guys that I think would have been good calls to have on this list that I had to exclude, but such as life. We don't get to see the Boston Bruins a ton here in southern California, though we see them pretty frequently on about half of NBC's or NBCSN's broadcasts so you should be pretty familiar with them. So, our nominees from the most obnoxious city in the world:

Milan Lucic

Some people describe Lucic as a productive power forward, but I think a better way to describe him would be as a gigantic piece of shit. As in his size, seeing as he's 6'3, and weighs 235 pounds. He's still a piece of shit.

Brad Marchand

Some people describe Marchand as a productive pest, but I think a better way to describe him would be as a slightly smaller piece of shit. As in he is little rat-faced turd.

Shawn Thornton

Some people describe Thornton as a productive enforcer, but he also slew-footed a guy then MMA'd his ass into the ice.

Zdeno Chara

Some people describe Chara as a hulking giant from Lord of the Rings. That's pretty accurate. He was unfortunate enough to not be able to devour Max Pacioretty after snapping his neck.

Prediction: Kings, if you get 40 shots on goal and only score once, people are going to be frustrated. I'm very frustrated and I don't expect that to change.