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Kings Gameday: Sriracha

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Okay so it's not a Mexican hot sauce, but whatever

Cock sauce!
Cock sauce!

Those other losers may be talking about Tapatio and Cholula, but let's be real. The best hot sauce is Sriracha. Yes, Sriracha isn't a Latino type of sauce, and those other two may be better for tacos and burritos, but they don't have the range and versatility of Sriracha. It doesn't matter what you are eating, throw some Sriracha on that shit and it's even better. Rice, burgers, ice cream, whatever. Sriracha is going on it. You can add it to sour cream. It's immediately a product now edible for everyone and not just white people.

Now this brings us to the Columbus Blue Jackets. Let's say the Los Angeles Kings are a well assembled Asian meal. You got Jonathan Quick, who we will say is the rice. Rice is vital to your dish. You need to have it, though it is very easy to screw up. It can quickly make the rest of the dish worse, though if you cooked your rice correctly, the rest of the meal could suck, but it doesn't matter because your rice is so damn good. It's salvaged simply thanks to your rice. Then you have Anze Kopitar, and let's say he is the beef. This is the best damn part to eat. It's great on it's own and makes everything else around it even better. Alec Martinez is the chilies that get thrown in, and this is because I could simply joke and say he is muy caliente. Drew Doughty is water-chestnuts. They look like doughy, soft clumps of crap, yet are pretty great and liven things up. Yes, I like those things, whatever. Everybody else is various vegetables. Mike Richards is the out of place orange peel added for no reason and shouldn't be there since you distinctly said WHY THE FUCK WOULD I HAVE ORANGE PEEL HERE SINCE I CAN'T EAT IT?

But there is still something lacking. Everything works pretty nicely together but it needs a kick. That's when you ask Columbus if they have any Sriracha sauce. You add a healthy dose of Sriracha, which in this case is Jeff Carter and Marian Gaborik, and now you have a kick ass bunch of food in front of you. In return all they got was a single red pepper flake with Matt Frattin, and what they thought was a scallop and instead was an expired marshmallow you found on the floor named Jack Johnson. Best of all you keep the Sriracha from going to things like the Columbus Rowboat, the Columbus Chili Dog, the Columbus Coffee Shot, or the Columbus Chocolate Milk.

I cannot say this enough, but hahahahaha thanks Columbus. You're the best.

preview 10/26

The Kings finally won a game and the fancy stats. Against Buffalo, which means nothing since everyone beats up on them. I mean, you'd have to be a pretty shittastic team to lose to Buffalo. Especially in regulation. It doesn't really seem like it, but the Kings have won five straight and have eleven out of fourteen points so far.

Prediction: Jonathan Quick finally has another bad game and the Kings lose 5-3.