Sharks Gameday: 1 of the Minnesota Wild's 82 indoor games

I feel bad for the Sharks guys.

"BUT STACE WE KNOW. THEY BLEW IT!"

No not that.

"STACE, GET OVER THE FACT THAT THEY DON'T HAVE A CUP!"

Close, no cigar.

"THEY'LL MAKE IT TO THE FINALS ONE DAY"

SHUT UP, NOT THAT EITHER.

I'm talking about that the fact that they have to make their trip to the Hellscape that is Minnesota, also known as the land of 10,000 lakes that the NHL doesn't want to touch with a 10,000 foot pole. I know that Stadium Series and Winter Classic games aren't typically played on lakes, but it is a better option than that shithole field no one knows the name of that the Vikings play on. I'm pretty surprised that I actually knew the name of their football team, because you see, I don't care.

Now let me explain to you why Minnesota Wild fans are going to be crying even more than usual this year. They are not making the playoffs, guys. Now before everyone says "DUH" at once, let me give you some reasoning behind this not-so-bold assumption.

Top Ten Reasons the Minnesota Wild will not make the playoffs

1) The Chicago Blackhawks are better than them

2) The Dallas Stars are better than them

3) The St. Louis Blues (oddly enough) are better than them

4) The Colorado Avalanche (if they tried) are better than them

5) Why bother? The team is being moved to Houston

6) Minnesota Wild players want the season to end as soon as possible so they can get the fuck out of there

7) WHAT DO YOU MEAN DARCY KUEMPER WON'T BE GOOD ALL SEASON?

8) Mikko Koivu retired....from fathering legitimate children....and has no reason to try anymore

9) Matt Cooke will get arrested for taking a dump in a baby's stroller, thus ensuring he cannot injure any team's star players at a critical moment

10) The shit that Matt Cooke takes in a stroller is revealed to actually be Charlie Coil, he gets arrested too

here's the media guide picture of #mnwild goal scorer Charlie Coil pic.twitter.com/K4sdRZkhhH

— Anthrax Bones (@AnthraxJones) April 20, 2014

Alas their inevitable failure is not to better the playoffs, not to better the league, not to better the sport, but rather for the Minnesota Wild fans out there. You see, the massive inferiority complex that this fanbase has is actually rather just because they are in fact, inferior in every way, shape and form. My heart usually aches for those who are painfully inferior but Minnesota fans are so delusional that they cannot be saved. They don't want to be saved, either. If you ever doubt the 'potential' success of the Minnesota Wild fan, you'll probably be DONTCHA KNOW'D to death.

The fact is that the Minnesota Wild will never be anything more than a playoff bubble team, and that's me being nice because saying that a team is a playoff bubble team means you believe that there's a chance they'll make the playoffs (there isn't). They will continue to be boring, awful, and serve absolutely no purpose other than the fact that it is better to have an even amount of teams in the league.

Gameday!

San Jose Sharks @ Minnesota Wild

5pm PST

Some Indoor Dump Center

CSN-CA

Prediction:

Every player on the Sharks die of boredom three minutes into the game. Minnesota wins by default.

Setting the Tone:

I. Want. To. Die.

Tweet of the Day:

Really Moore gives a head shot and gets 5 games, Cooke gave a knee shot and got 7! Both repeat offenders! Head shots are worse #mnwild

— Kristi Beck (@Kristimay11) October 29, 2014

Never change!

Awful Hockey Tattoo of the Day: