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Kings Gameday: Cap worries

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Yep, season still cancelled

Muzzin always has the weirdest photos
Muzzin always has the weirdest photos
Justin K. Aller

The Kings still have three players sorta mostly hurt, and one player still suspended indefinitely. They still have very limited cap space. $519,559 according to Capgeek to be exact. Now the CBA states that the Kings may be able to make an emergency call up. But Jordan Weal, who the Kings would like to recall, may not be viable due to bonuses blah blah blah faaaaart. It's a long convoluted, crazy bunch of legal and finance crap. Leave that to the nerds tracking shot attempts, amirite?

Anyways, Los Angeles could either roll a forward short again, which more or less means only three lines, as Andy Andreoff and Jordan Nolan, the fourth liners, saw about two minutes total in the last game. That could maybe fly against a less than outstanding Flyers team, who the Kings still eeked a point out of before Jake Muzzin coughed up the game. Pittsburgh is a little bit more of a challenge since they have their two big centers with Sidney Crosby and Evgeni Malkin, and the Kings are short their top guy with Kopitar.

So what do the Kings do? They have a little under $520k to play with and they need another forward. My suggestions:

Chris Brown's crazy as fuck car

chris brown has a ugly car

Now you can drive around and give people seizures. This "car" costs half a million dollars. Looking like that. It could probably shut down Crosby effectively by running him over repeatedly though. I suppose you would need someone to drive the thing, but what is Bernie Nicholls really up to during games? Or Martin Jones for that matter. He's played only once, and his only other action was defending himself on the bench from Scott Hartnell.

A sixty-five foot dive boat AND business

I found this on CraigsList, and it was the only listing that came in at half a million dollars in the Los Angeles, Orange County, Inland Empire, and San Diego pages. I suppose buying a whole business online via public listings would seem sketchy, but hey? What's $500,000, right? I also checked out their website, since I am a very thorough journalist. The business apparently currently operates as a charter to the Northern Channel Islands and their schedule was 98% open. They also had a lot of photos of their dog, which seems to have died recently. I'm sure they are very nice people and I am kind of depressed now. I suppose a good plan for the Kings would be to invite the Penguins on a diving trip and take off when they are underwater. Like in that movie with the couple that got ditched with the sharks or jellyfish or whatever. I never saw it actually.

A night with Charlie Sheen and his "friends"

Back when Charlie Sheen was in the news, he apparently went through half a million dollars in six months. The money was of course spent on hookers and a mountain of cocaine. That however was over a pretty long stretch. Time for the Kings to up the ante. One night. $500,000. Let Charlie Sheen have access to it during the Kings/Penguins game and see what happens. Mike Richards and Jeff Carter would love it, and the Penguins would probably get roped in by ol Chuck then the Kings could score a billion goals while Marc-Andre Fleury does lines off a girl's ass. Crosby may still play though, but Mario Lemiuex would be covering his eyes the whole time.

One hundred and three thousand nine hundred and eleven $5 foot long subs from Subway

In case you want a lot fresh eating, chemically altered bread, pubes, and indigestion. You could probably stack them all on top of each other and build a forward out of them. I would suggest keeping the sandwiches wrapped since otherwise they would probably fall apart, and I don't know how well a Zamboni picks up sandwich toppings. Maybe the Kings could give a bunch to the Penguins prior to the game, hope they eat them, and win the game while the Penguins vomit uncontrollably on the bench. There's a good chance Doughty will eat twenty sandwiches (all meatball subs of course), so Los Angeles should take that into consideration.

A big contract for me

My last full time, fifty-five hour a week gig paid me a thousand dollars a month. Add that up for the year and...

...uh

...hold on

(gets out abacus)

I was paid twelve thousand dollars a year. Gotta love "paid internships", right? Actually, I just broke down what I earned per hour and now I'm REALLY depressed. Does "work experience" cover that extra pay that gets me up to minimum wage? I'll need to contact my lawyer. Now sure, I may not be a great player, but I'm taller and younger than Mike Richards. Keep me away from liquor prior to the game, and I should be able to stick handle better than Matt Greene. I promise I won't try to grope Alec Martinez also. Number 69 is available, so I do not see any holdups at all. And at $12,000 a year, the Kings would have have enough room for a lot of five dollar foot longs, too.

preview 10/30

The Kings were bad last game. When they were not being bad, they out fancy stat-ed the Flyers a lot, yet only managed one goal. The other was a breakaway shortie by Tyler Toffoli. It was a lovely shit storm of the worst of both styles. The Kings look like they have someone named David Van Der Gulik on the roster now, so...Great? In any case, I expect only three lines getting rolled again from about midway through the game.

Prediction: Kings lose 1000-1. Goal by Toffoli.