Greetings everyone. Ms. Stace O. Base is out today due to illness from alcohol intake into her pie-hole. I am your substitute teacher for the day, Mr. Get R. Dunn. The lesson plan for today is that you will be learning about the illustrious Carolina Hurricanes. As a quick overview, since they are a highly forgettable team, here are some key facts about them.
- They play in North Carolina, the most northern of all the Carolinas.
- Their jerseys are red, as are all hurricanes, or so I assume since I live in a place that does not have them.
- Hurricanes are in fact large storms of wind and rain and massive destruction (though only if you happen to be poor)
- Their logo looks like a butthole.
- I screwed around with some girl in North Carolina when I visited there in college for a week. This will be on the quiz.
As I understand, Ms. Stank O. Bake usually included goofy facts about said regions of opposing teams, followed by a funny tweet from a site known as "tweeter" I believe, and then a tattoo of embarrassing quality. There will be none of that because I am not her. I am not here to make you happy and chortle like the sad, white, chunky toes you Sharks fans are. I am here to enrich your lives. With poetry*.
*I don't think this qualifies as poetry
So without further ado, here is an ode, nay, a sonnet, nay, an epic, to the beloved Canes of the Carolina Hurries.
C is for CRAP which is how the Sharks look
A is ASSHOLE which is what Logan Couture is
R is for RYAN (me!) and he is the best
O is for OH SHIT I FORGOT TO DO A POST FOR STACE FUCK FUCK FUCK
L is for LOSERS which is what Patrick Marleau and Joe Thornton are
I is for ICE CREAM
N is for NEVER going to win a Stanley Cup
A is for AH fuck it I'm done with this idea GO KINGS GO BABA BOOEY BABA BOOEY
The Kings won! Wait, shit wrong team. Uh...The Sharks lost their last game, to Columbus again. It's pretty hilarious if you don't like the Sharks. Who's been good on the Sharks? Tommy Wingles? Get the hell outta here. I can't take him seriously. Come back when you have a real answer and stop wasting teacher's time.
Prediction: 3-1 Canes. Goal by...nevermind, let's say 3-0.