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Ducks Gameday: Lanny McDonald Is A God Damn Criminal

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Lanny McDonald is a beloved former Calgary Flame, but do you know what he really is? A fucking criminal. Flames @ Ducks.

Put him away for life.
Put him away for life.
Credit: Legit prison booking photo.

You know who the people of Calgary love?

This mustachioed loon:

His name is Lanny McDonald, and apparently he's pretty important to a lot of people or something. But he played hockey in Canada, a region that no one actually gives a shit about. Especially not me. Canada doesn't have a winning hockey culture like California does, having captured three Stanley Cup championships in the past 7 years. Meanwhile, no Canadian team has won a Stanley Cup championship for over two decades, so you can understand why no one takes them seriously, at least in the hockey world.

Anyway, because I didn't know much about him, I decided to do some research and find out why he was so beloved.

It turns out, he's just a petty scumbag criminal, and these Canadian thugs just look up to him as some sort of felonious "bad boy." The culture of deviancy in Calgary is so sickening.

Just look at these crimes that Lanny McDonald was arrested for, which I tracked down through the help of the connections I've acquired as a respectful, facts-only journalist (and an assist from Google and, more importantly, texas-mugshot-browser.com):

September 30, 2000
Warrant # Charge Issuing Auth Offense Date Bond/Type Fine/Crt Costs Disposition Bond Amount
0075-00 TRAFFIC OFFENSES SWISHE Converted from Legacy
0429-00 TRAFFIC OFFENSES SWISHE Converted from Legacy

Traffic offenses? Okay, we can let that slide. Most of us have our speeding tickets, unpaid parking violations, or what have you. Surely McDonald is not so bad a guy, right?

February 25, 2001
Warrant # Charge Issuing Auth Offense Date Bond/Type Fine/Crt Costs Disposition Bond Amount
ON VIEW DRIVING WHILE INTOXICATED CCL 2001-02-25 Surety Bond

DUI? And just months after your traffic violations? God damn you, Lanny! You're putting lives at risk, you monster! I hope it doesn't get any worse than this...

May 21, 2009
Warrant # Charge Issuing Auth Offense Date Bond/Type Fine/Crt Costs Disposition Bond Amount
DISMISSED FRAUD USE/POSS IDENTIFYING INFO # ITEMS 5 < 10 DIST 2008-12-15 Cash or Surety Bond Surety Bond 50000.00

FRAUD, LANNY? How could you? But more importantly, how can you Calgary (and Canadian people in general) support this wretched criminal (who is definitely the same person as the hockey player, and not just some dude with a similar name, definitely, for sure)?

This is why Canada will always be a joke of a nation, and no one in Calgary can be taken seriously.

Speaking of fraud, just look at how Lanny tried to change his appearance in his mugshot from his normal look, just to throw people off:

Just sickening. Shame on you, Lanny. And shame on you, Canada.

Gameday

Flames (13 - 9) @ Ducks (13 - 9)

Tuesday, Nov 25, 2014, 7:00 PM PST

Honda Center

Predictions

Lanny McDonald is finally brought to justice. Ducks celebrate by winning 3-1. Goals by Andrew Cogliano, Ryan Getzlaf, and Rene Bourque.