Sharks Gameday: Power Rankings - The NHL's Canadian Teams

My totally unbiased opinion of the NHL Canadian teams

By stace_ofbase Nov 6, 2014, 5:00am PST

It is no secret that the NHL teams located in America are vastly superior than all of the teams located in Canada. The league constantly wants to put hockey teams in America's deserts and swamps because deserts and swamps are better than Saskatchewan and Quebec City. This makes Canadians very, very sad. I like Canadian people. They are nice folk who love kraft dinner. Since we all know how much Canadian teams are frequently ignored by the media and league, I decided to rank the Canadian teams so Canada can finally have some recognition in America's fourth greatest pastime.

1) Calgary Flames

Currently Canada's only hope for a Stanley Cup. Sure, the Montreal Canadiens are number one in the east, but we all know that the Eastern Conference is a complete joke. I frequently stated last season that the Flames were a couple moves away from being a playoff team and again I am right in my analysis. Look how good and fun they are right now! I'm actually being sincere, I promise. Everyone in Canada needs to hop aboard the Flames train because they will most likely upset (is it even an upset anymore if it's expected?) the Sharks in the first round.

2) Edmonton Oilers

Say what you will about these little bottom dwellers but they are so much fun to watch. The structure of this team is perfect if, you know, this was twenty years ago. They're great. Okay they're not great but the *idea* of them is great. The only problem with them is that when they finally get a full roster of first overall picks, the older first rounders will be heading toward retirement and this team will forever be a revolving door of sadness, but alas they will still be entertaining.

3) Montreal Canadiens

PK Subban is the greatest person to ever live. That's all.

4) Winnipeg Jets

I don't know how they're doing it, but they are. The Jets are currently third in the extremely stacked Central Division. They are doing this with Pavelec as their goaltender. Speaking of Ondrej Pavelec, apparently he has a .924 sv%, which is not sustainable by any means, but Jesus Christ. I'm looking forward to him being the sixth backup for the Anaheim Ducks in the future.

5) Ottawa Senators

You know how when someone tries to quiz you by saying "name the Canadian NHL teams" and you say "fuck you" and name them off but struggle to name the very last team. That very last team is always the Senators. With that being said, the Senators lead the NHL with players who have two first names and that's pretty cool I guess. People tend to compare them to either the Sharks for their lack of success or the Ducks for their arena that is usually almost filled with opposing fans. Although this is insulting, being compared to a California team is still an honor even when it is in vain.

6) Toronto Maple Leafs

The only reason that the Toronto Maple Leafs are not dead last in the power rankings is that they have an affiliation with the greatest Kessel to ever live, Amanda Kessel.

Love you, boo.

The Leafs are insufferable and I will talk about them at a later date in great detail.

7) Vancouver Canucks

Was there even a doubt that the Canucks would be ranked last? The only thing is that they aren't last because they are detestable; their goonish ways have lost their charm and nobody cares. They are last because they are pretty much forgotten at this point. Does anyone give a shit about the Canucks? No. Is that awesome? It's the greatest thing in the whole entire world. The world rejoiced when Roberto Luongo went to Florida because all those who secretly love him, such as myself, can shout it from the mountain tops. So thank you for chasing away your most likeable player, Vancouver, and please continue to wear your tin foil hats and defending Alexandre Burrows.

<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" lang="en"><p>Burrows suspension is total bullshit. He barely touched him,Emelin went down easier then a $5 whore. <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/nhl?src=hash">#nhl</a> <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/Canucks?src=hash">#Canucks</a> <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/VancouverCanucks?src=hash">#VancouverCanucks</a></p>— T.(eam Canada) (@BigNasty604) <a href="https://twitter.com/BigNasty604/status/528313382987116545">October 31, 2014</a></blockquote>

<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" lang="en"><p><a href="https://twitter.com/NHLPlayerSafety">@NHLPlayerSafety</a> <a href="https://twitter.com/NHL">@NHL</a> maybe Emelin shouldn't be such a bitch. This is hockey not badminton. Just part of the game</p>— Danny Finnamore (@dfinnamore14) <a href="https://twitter.com/dfinnamore14/status/528316129815855104">October 31, 2014</a></blockquote>

<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" lang="en"><p>Burrows suspended 3 games because Emelin cant keep his head up. What a bitch.</p>— Puppa (@Surreyissafe) <a href="https://twitter.com/Surreyissafe/status/528311993929715713">October 31, 2014</a></blockquote>

<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" lang="en"><p>Burrows barely touched Emelin, what a baby</p>— Daylon Ouellette (@Hcky4Lyfe) <a href="https://twitter.com/Hcky4Lyfe/status/528029649625169920">October 31, 2014</a></blockquote>

<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" lang="en"><p>So Burrows gets a 3 game suspension and Ference just gets a 2 min minor? <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/bullshit?src=hash">#bullshit</a> <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/Canucks?src=hash">#Canucks</a></p>— Amrit Randhawa (@randhawamrit) <a href="https://twitter.com/randhawamrit/status/528750362959044609">November 2, 2014</a></blockquote>

pssst...DPoS hearings don't happen during games, Canucks fans.

Gameday!

San Jose Sharks vs. Vancouver Canucks

7:30pm PST

Sad Asshole Patrol Center

CSN-CA

Prediction:

Haha, the Canucks suck! I bet those assholes are shitting themselves at the bottom of the standings! *checks standings* HEY I thought they were supposed to be bad.. well, Vancouver has been historically awful against California teams the past few seasons so this game will probably start their downward spiral. Sharks win, 5-2. Goals from Tommy Wingels x2, Joe Thornton, Brent Burns and someone hilarious like Scott Hannan

Setting the Tone:

Tweet of the Day:

The tweet has been deleted for quite awhile now, but the legend lives on. [my apologies for the small writing, the squinting is well worth it] #kesbae

Awful Hockey Tattoo of the Day:

Who knew Sideburns lady from Wedding Singer had such nice legs!