clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

Ducks Gameday: Boston Doesn't Have Nice Things

New, 17 comments

Here are a bunch of things cherished by Bostonians, and they all suck. Bruins @ Ducks.

A Boston Terrier in the wild.
A Boston Terrier in the wild.
John E. Sokolowski-USA TODAY Sports

November was a rough month on the Ducks, but it's over! Hooray! Let's start bracing for the continued slaughter that December is likely to bring, as everyone on the team is still injured or mumped.

We start the month of with a visit from the Boston Bruins. Along with using embarrassing phrases (like "wicked," or "grinder" for a sub sandwich), one thing people from Boston like to do is name stuff after their town. Which is baffling, since Boston is an unbearable shithole. Let's take a look at some of the things Boston has named after themselves, and see if we can find a single one that isn't awful...

Boston Baked Beans

Boston's spin on the baked bean is that they are "typically sweetened with molasses or maple syrup and flavored with salt pork or bacon." The rest of the world calls these "baked beans," because that's the same fucking way everyone everywhere makes baked beans, but Bostonians are stupid enough to think they invented this.

The Other Boston Baked Beans

These aren't even beans, but nobody in Boston has figured out the difference between a bean and a peanut since the 1930s when the candy first started being made. Take some sugar that tastes like dust and throw it on a peanut and you have what the fat slobs in Boston call candy.

Boston Terriers

Terriers are pretty sweet, yet Boston found a way to fuck even them up. Here's what Boston terriers are known for, according to YourPureBreadPuppy.com:

  • Quite a few potential health problems due to his deformed face
  • Snorting, snuffling, wheezing, snoring, some slobbering
  • Gassiness (flatulence)
  • Slowness to housebreak

So you've named after your town a creature that would rather be dead than suffer through a life spent farting its way to the grave, thanks Boston. Coincidentally, the above list also applies to terrier-human hybrid Tuukka Rask.

Tukka Rask

Boston Lager

Samuel Adams is a beer for people who like to think they're interesting enough to have a refined craft beer palate, but are too stupid to figure out what a craft beer actually is. You can understand why it would be celebrated by your typical Boston resident.

Boston Babysitter

You can find the description here. Jesus Christ, Boston! It's hard enough to find good childcare without you morons pulling this kind of shit.

Boston Clam Chowder

...Known more popularly by people smart enough to live outside of Boston as New England Clam Chowder. Look, if you're going to eat clam chowder, the milky, creamy style of Boston is garbage. Pretty much every other variant of Clam Chowder uses a tomato broth and spices it up a bit, so it has an actual decent flavor and doesn't taste just like choking down a bottle of Maalox.

Boston Hockey

Fuck 'em.

Gameday

Bruins (14 - 10) @ Ducks (14 - 11)

Monday, Dec 1, 2014, 7:00 PM PST

Honda Center

Prediction

Anaheim's mumps problem spreads to the Bruins, mutates instantly to become Boston Mumps, leaves all Bruins players incapacitated. Ducks win 2-1.