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Sharks Gameday: The Origin of the Minnesota Wild

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I have invited my good friend Anthrax Jones to let you know about the horror that is Minnesota Wild hockey.

The only time spent outdoors in Minnesota
The only time spent outdoors in Minnesota
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The Minnesota Wild is a disgrace to the National Hockey League. Their style of play is coma inducing and their players are the type of monsters only dreamt up by the sickest minds. Their fans are comparable to those who fall in love with serial killers in prison but not even serial killers would be intrigued by the idea of that conjugual visit.

The question that has been on my mind lately is why did this team come into existence? In all the cities and all the states in this wonderful country, why did they end up in the most decrepit of all? Another question I've been pondering is the structure of this team. You'd think that the owners and management would want some sort of redeeming qualities to grace their team, but I have yet to see one. It makes no sense.

My pal Anthrax Jones from the good ol' twitter machine has stopped by Battle of California to share with us the origin story of the Minnesota Wild and hopefully together, we can put an end to their reign of terror.

Story Time with Anthrax Jones

So it works better if you think of the Minnesota Wild in these terms.

Remember the Minnesota North Stars? Cool team, cool name, cool jerseys, cool logo. Never a really good team, you know, but they did make the Finals twice. Then came the Gund family desperately and righteously wanting to get the hell out of Minnesota, which led to the San Jose Sharks cannibalizing half the North Stars' roster (people forget how weird this whole thing was), and also one Norman Green. Norm Green spent two years in Minnesota before concluding that was enough lakes and deciduous shit for his liking and he moved the North Stars to Dallas, leaving the 6,000 fans in Minnesota who cared about the North Stars enough to regularly attend games heartbroken. This is where things go bad.

Remember the movie "Pet Sematary"? It's about a doctor with a young family who moves to a home in Maine not far from an ancient indian burial ground known for its "restorative properties." The man's young son dies, and stricken by grief, he inters his dead son at the burial ground. The boy rises from the grave, only he's not the same sweet kid; he's a shambling terror, a sad menace, a murderous shell, who ultimately destroys everyone and everything around him before mercifully being put down for good.

So, back to Minnesota. On June 25 1997, Gary Bettman awards Minnesota an expansion franchise, a franchise to replace the North Stars. The Minnesota Wild, clad in green and sporting a sneaky star in their stupid bear head logo, were to be the spiritual heirs to the North Stars. Much like the ill-fated doctor Louis Creed in Pet Sematary, Minnesota fans appreciate their zombie franchise, and much like the murderous undead Gage Creed, the Minnesota Wild are an empty-eyed, cynical, detestable franchise-that-shouldnt-be, an affront to the memory of their predecessors. The Minnesota Wild have spent 14 years bringing absolutely nothing to the NHL table. They simply exist. Where the North Stars had interesting, compelling, colorful players like Neal Broten, Basil McRae, Dave Gagner, and Bobby Smith, the Wild are a bland collection of grinders and players of ersatz acclaim, such as notable Olympic Zero Zach Parise and his bad-contract brother, Ryan Suter. The Wild are heirs to the North Stars in location only, the undead corpse of a vibrant hockey legacy, ambling soullessly toward another season as a second round playoff speed bump.

Sometimes, dead is better.

[Editor's note: The Minnesota Wild will not make the playoffs this year, so I'm not sure what Anthrax is getting at with that one]

Thank you to Anthrax for stopping by and making the world a safer place.

Gameday!

San Jose Sharks @ Minnesota Wild

7:30pm PST

Indoors, as usual

CSN-CA

Prediction:

The Sharks are without Mike Brown and lord knows they are going to suffer greatly, but I believe the adversity will serve them well. Sharks win, 3-2. Goals from Tommy Wingels, Joe Thornton and Justin Braun.

Setting the Tone:

Tweet of the Day:

So as we all know, Wild fans are a particularly sensitive bunch with a crippling inferiority complex. Their insecurities cause them to be mean to me on twitter dot com. One of them is quite possibly the most annoying, out of touch person on the planet. Even members of his own fan base don't like him.

I usually wouldn't give someone like this attention, but his lack of creativity with his insults is embarrassing. It's so easy to troll hockey fans and he is really bad at it, so make sure to stop by his page and say hello.

Hockey Tattoo of the Day:

recycled tattoo because no other tattoo compares